Snake Skinner AKA Motordromerider's blog: "JOKES 9"

MONDAY'S JOKES
                                      Women's Guide to Understanding Men - 4 DAYS MON. - THURS.

 "I'm hungry." REALLY MEANS, I'm hungry. 

 "I'm sleepy." REALLY MEANS, I'm sleepy. 

 "Do you want to go to a movie?" REALLY MEANS, I'd like to have sex 

 "Can I take you out to dinner?" REALLY MEANS, I'd like to have sex 

 "Can I call you sometime?" REALLY MEANS, I'd like to have sex 

 "Nice dress!" REALLY MEANS, Nice cleavage! 

 "What's wrong?" REALLY MEANS, What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? 

 "I love you, too." REALLY MEANS, Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! 

 "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." REALLY MEANS, I liked it better before. 

 "Let's talk." REALLY MEANS, I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then we can have sex 

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 TUESDAY'S JOKES

                                      Women's Guide to Understanding Men - DAY 2

 "Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. 

 "I like that one better." (while shopping) REALLY MEANS, Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! 

 "She's one of the rabid feminists," , "She refused to make my coffee." 

 "That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless." 

 "Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter." 

 "It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works." 

 "Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?" 

 "We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." 

 "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." 

 "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."

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WEDNESDAY'S JOKES

                                       Women's Guide to Understanding Men - DAY 3

 "It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." 

 "I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." 

  
 "I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead." 

 "That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?" 

 "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS,"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." 

 "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses," REALLY MEANS, "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong." 

 "It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women." 

 "I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, " 

 "You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot your birthday." 

 "You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake." 

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THURSDAY'S JOKES

                                       Women's Guide to Understanding Men - DAY 4

 "I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket." 

 "I brought you a present," REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game." 

 "What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?" 

 "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing," REALLY MEANS, "I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." 

 "You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving." 

 "I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper." 

 "We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up." 

 "This relationship is getting too serious," REALLY MEANS, "I like you as much as I like my truck." 

 "I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help." 

 "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again

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FRIDAY'S JOKES

                                       The Man Code - DAY 1 OF 3

- The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
 - Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
 - Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
 - Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and beaten by his fellow party goers.
 - Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
 - If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
 - Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

 
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                                       The Man Code - DAY 2 OF 3

- The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running; late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
 - No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
 - Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having Sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
 - Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.
 - If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.
 - When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
 - It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're running on a tropical beach . . . and it's delivered by a topless super model . . . and it's free!
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                                      The Man Code - DAY 3

- Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
 - A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
 - If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
 - Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
 - If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him . . . too gay.
 - Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat".
 - Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.