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8-17-08 50th entry

2 days left till surgery. I've been struggling with a lot of emotions. I've tried several times to make myself update this but my mind just wants to jump like rabbits. For a few days I even had incessant chattering going on in my brain that was driving me mad! Thank Goddess for Bill and Sue. They helped get that slowed down. BTW by the incessant chatter I mean I couldn't stop thinking and wondering about anything and everything and it was to the point I couldn't even rest right. Between the stress of everything thats going on here and concerns over surgery and after thoughts, I'm turning into someone far from my normal me. It worries me. Heck what ISN'T worrying me lately. Seems every one of my dearest friends have something going on, anywhere from roommate's issues to online family thats got health problems. I know for the most part I can't do anything other then send up prayers and try to be there for them when then need to vent. I'm sucking at that big time lately tho. I just can't help but worry. I want the best for those I care about. Well I want the best for everyone but I can't worry about the whole dang world (although lately it seems like I am lol). When I started the process 2 years, 2 months ago to get this done, I knew I was going to go through hell. I've been preparing myself for it the whole time. Also preparing myself to expect the unexpected. I never thought that not only would I have the surgery concerns but also a lot of hard hitting purrsonal issues that would take me to my limits. Just has me sitting here going "WOW Its a wonder I've not been put back into F5" (nut ward). For the first time I've had some doubts as to if I'm doing the right thing. Logically I know its the stress but I've had the thoughts of post-poning the surgery. I won't, but the thoughts been there. I keep getting told by my online family/friends that I need to relax and chill. I shouldn't be having to deal with so much when I'm getting ready to go under the knife. I agree. I just can't stop whats going on. The Goddess is definitely testing my strength of will and I'm quite sure the strength of endurance to deal with me for a few of my friends. I've been so bitchy, whiney, crabassy, frustrated and just plain crazy its a wonder a couple of them haven't said fuck off till I'm normal again. Shows me who's true to me tho. :) I'mma lucky Katt. I know I may continue to drive them insane with my out of control emotions and extreme moods but I know who'll stand no matter what with me and I'll NEVER forget that. I hope the Goddess blesses them big time. Definitely takes a strong group of people caring a hell of a lot to help someone pull through this surgery thing. If you or anyone you know is gonna go through this, have patience! Hopefully those heading for the surgery aren't going through what I am and won't be so wacky. But if they are, image the turmoil they have to be going through. They are giving up a part of their life. Between some things Sue and Bill told me a few days ago, I've come to realize some of why this is so hard emotionally on me. I've used the weight to keep people away. I protect myself from being hurt, again. I get the weight off, I'm gonna be seen for me because I won't be able to hide behind it anymore. Its been a way to keep people from loving me. Or so I thought anyway. It took a while for some but they saw past my subconscious hiding. Thank Goddess they did. Well seeing as this is a book already, I will either cut this off or do a 2nd section. Sue, Bill, Michelle, Michele, Wendy, Kim.... THANK YOU. Thankies to everyone and anyone not mentioned but those listed have been here mostest for me recently. More to be written later.
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