I came across this in saved files. I'd forgotten I'd wrote it during my 2 month absence from the internet. The vision is a dream I'd actually had. Rough time frame of this writing is Oct 2007.
Not sure if it should go in journal yet. (((((UPDATE...I decided to go ahead and make this an official entry)))))
Have you ever felt like theres a void in your life thats being fulfilled yet you still feel that void as painfully as ever?
I am not sure exactly how to explain how I feel but its like something is being added to the void I've had for a very long time.
But the void is there, ever present.
I wonder if it will ever fill and leave me whole. Complete. Truly Me.
Someone has been calling to me for quite a while via astral. Someone I know. Yet don't.
I seek answers to things I doubt I will find until I go to the Goddess.
I've asked so many times for the empty to be filled.
For the loneliness that never leaves to fade away.
Yet deep down, I know it may never be.
Not in this life time.
I've known for a few years that I'll not be with my Alpha Soul Mate.
I've known for many years, I'll die alone.
Sometimes I hope and beseech the Goddess to let me be wrong with that knowledge.
But its rare, it seems, that I am wrong when it comes to my instincts.
Maybe the void I live with will fill at my passing. So my next life will be fulfilling.
One can only hope.
I wonder how I will think and feel about things when I've reached the final stage in my surgery process.
Will I feel the same emptiness that plaques me now?
Will I be overwhelmed with emotions I've never felt?
How will I change as a purrson?
I pray the Goddess will not let it change my essential being other then to bring more joy and fun.
I see myself one day standing nearly naked on the edge of a cliff.
A raging river below, heavy forested mountains surrounding.
The wind swirling about me harshly. Yet comforting. A storm brewing.
Swiftly moving closer.
I reach into a box or a bag and pull out a handful of ash.
As I clutch the ashes to my chest, I call out for forgiveness for my foolishness of my past.
Then let my hands fly swiftly from my body, releasing the ashes as the wind whips so hard, it nearly tumbles me.
I reach again for another handful of ash and again press it to my heart.
As this time I again throw the ash to the wind, I cry out for peace.
Then I empty the container with the last of the ash and cry out for wholeness.
I then start crying.
As the tears start streaming down my face, the rain begins to fall.
Lightening strikes and thunder rolls.
The wind whips my air about me fiercely even as the heavy rain plasters it to my body.
I raise my arms, lift my face up to the sky and smile as the rain drenches me.
Washing away the pain I've lived with for so long.
I twirl in this stance, my smile growing wider each circle.
Then I am climbing down to the river's edge and step knee to waist deep in the frothy water.
I sink to my knees and briefly under the water.
I use handfuls of sand to scrub my entire body until it is red.
I then dunk under the water again and let the sand fade off me.
As I am stepping from the cold water, I feel as if a new me has arrived.
Those ashes..... Everything from my past that I've burned.
Making way for the true me to come out and play.
I wish I could walk into the arms of the one that stands in the shadows.
Ever present and always felt but never fully seen.
But that was not seen at this point.
Who knows.... Maybe the future will be different when this vision comes true.
I know the release will.
I promise myself to make it happen.
