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MONDAY'S JOKES
72 Virgins
Q: Why was the suicide bomber disappointed when he met his 72 virgins?
A: He blew off his penis.
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Clinton Monument
Dear U.S. Citizens,
I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there as not enough room for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in the Washington, DC Hall of Fame. However, we were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It did not seem proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.
If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we will expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.
Thank You The Monument Committee
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TUESDAY'S JOKE
Navy v Marines
There is a Navy guy and a Marine in the washroom. The Marine goes to leave without washing up. The sailor catches up with him later and says, "In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands."
The Marine replies, "In the Marines, they teach us not to pee on ours!!!"
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WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
Why Bush doesn't drink
Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of this incident...
Back in his party days, Dubya got behind the wheel after a few too many. He started the car and stepped on the gas. He was driving for a while, when suddenly a white ghost face appeared in the window. George saw it and began screaming.
He stepped on the gas harder, but the face floated right in the window. George floored it - the speedometer read 110 mph but the face did not disappear. A white hand gestured for him to roll down the window. Not knowing what else to do, he rolled it down slowly.
The wrinkled old face smiled and said, "Do you want help getting out of the mud?"
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THURSDAY'S JOKE
Razorbacks
One day as President Clinton was getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he had a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: ''Nice pigs, sir.''
The President replied, ''These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.''
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, ''Nice trade, sir'
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FRIDAY'S JOKE
10 Million
Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"
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SATURDAY'S JOKE
First Lady
George W. Bush walks into a restaurant in Washington DC with his wife Laura. The waiter approaches the table and asks for his order.
''I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil,'' answers the President.
''But sir, what about the mad cow?!!'' asks the waiter.
''Oh,'' answers Dubya, ''she'll order for herself.''
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SUNDAY'S JOKES
Blessing
A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.
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Involuntary Muscle Contractions
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.
