69 days and yes Carlton is still an addict
I thank u God, my higher power for allowing me 2 live as a functional addict. Not a still active addicted addict, who is unmanageable, living in denial (donít even no I am lying), self centered and selfish person who will not surrender 2 God, but 2 the disease of addiction. Today I know life is not bad when living on lifeís terms. I just deal with situations as they arrive. It doesnít matter how big or small the dilemma, I know I donít have 2 use. Cause one crumb, bud, sip is too many and 1,000 will never b enough. I was the type of addict that needed more then one of anything from kilograms 2 pounds or teaspoons 2 gallons. In the end I might not be able to afford 1,000 of anything, but over a period of time it would amount up.
Today I longer worry but I do think about what is best 4 a self suffering addict that doesnít use drugs dependencies, but now himself. I depend on what got me this far, my prays or my results of my prayers I patiently wait 2 show up. These answer could be suggestions from my group and not my group conscience (me, myself, and I), which only allows me 2 reinstitute what I have learned. This only came as a result of pulling the cotton out my ear and shove as much as I could into my mouth, so I wonít detour my learning into another direction. See I know a lot, but I am not going 2 b ignorant 2 the fact that I donít know anything about recovering. See this process in my life, I have done before, but not with a society of recovering addicts, who have millions of days compared 2 my newly acquired time. My time is only important 2 me, but to the group or society I am the most important person. See me and any new comer is constantly adding on to them ties that bind us all together. I also know I canít go on without the 12 steps and the program certainly will go on with out me. I understand there are no big Iís and little Uís. This is the processes that donít allow u 2 fail with as much information, people with that knowledge willing 2 help, and the higher power him or her self. It will b I if I believe not in the program and go on self will that will be accountable for failing. Imagine yourself as a car and u doing the driving. I am in control of my own destiny. I must maintain the maintenance in order to drive or ride smoothly. My shocks and wheels had better be upgraded in order to withstand the potholes, remember 2 b cautious cause it is slippery when wet weather and keeping the oil and gas tank full so no interruption can occur. I am responsible for this. I canít blame someone when I was suppose 2 maintain all them things, they donít have 2 drive or foot the bill. And if they do and I want 2 keep enjoying what I was blessed with then I am still responsible. I certainly should go at it half ass either. I better remember 2 go to the right dealership so all these things could b repaired or adjust to make my ride comfortable, safe, and enjoyable. Today if I am 2 grow from what I have learned about being responsible. I better not run, manipulate or procrastinate about becoming responsible it is not a likely option. If I am going 2 improve my life I had better change my outlook and use some new resources I have learned concerning responsibility.
I have also realized people come into your life for number of situations and reasons no matter how long they remain. It is not clear all the time why they are here, so I pay more attention 2 them in the beginning, because their end may come a lot sooner, if they know I have an invisible wall up. This is 2 guard against them fuckin with my comfort. I am responsible 2 protect myself the way a parent would do their children. Not a hard one 2 do or understand. I am responsible 4 myself and the things I do or allow done 2 myself. So that is where loving me more then anyone else comes into play. If I allow someone 2 disrupt my circle in anyway and I donít say nothing 2 them they feel will I am unorganized and they can continue. I had better make them aware I am not going 4 that shit and no I am afraid of them or comfortable with their miserable ass. Most times it could b a joke, which if it is about me or u, donít think they was just making fun without it being how they feel or they stating their truth about you. Most times I use 2 laugh because someone had something I wanted and although they were having fun at my expense most times it was probably the truth. And then sometimes I was convincing myself I was manipulating them into believing they was funny so I could get what I want they had. This was that price of admission I punished myself as payment 2 enter the zoo. My low self esteem told me it was already because they had what I wanted. So if I showed up and allowed them 2 mentally beat me and they paid me, even if it was less then expect it was ok. My insane thinking told me at least u got something. Instead of learning from that experience I went on 2 bury my self esteem another 6 feet deeper. Not understanding as long as I was addicted I wouldnít reach out 4 help until forced, because my disease told me they were right 4 what they said. I had 2 learn letting go of pride or self will is the only way 2 grow and built back up my destroyed self esteem. I am the problem when I donít let go. Pride will rob me of my clean time, mind, happiness and most time all that and my life. Become pained up and donít share it with someone. I for sure can say since this is about me it is some what true with a lot of us. But what I just wrote about Pride can land us in jails, instutitions or our grave if we donít awaken from the symptoms diease pound us with.
Those that use drugs on a regular, like I once did and didnít do believe they had a problem cause we or I was 2 busy listening 2 my pride. That was a part of the diease. It forced me not wanting 2 admit I had and was my own problem. But as long was I blaming society, but using society at all cost. How in the hell could I surrender before I got evicted, My car got repossed, moved into a crack, went 2 jail trying 2 get crack money 2 get the crack 4 the rent and my personal use just 2 live in this crackhouse. I knew the procedures, I ran a crack house 2 no result unsuccessful. Certainly Pride told me it was ok and I believed that shit. And 2 really play with my insane thinking I referred back 2 my group conscience (me, myself, and I) 2 eitch it in stone. That was my comfort zone I hid my feelings. I would b damn if I was snitching on myself. All they would do is validate my uncomfortableness with myself. I became my worst critic soon maintaining an unbalance behavior that later was Identified as me being my worst enemy. I was Public Enemy No. 1 fuck hussien and osamba. This even occurred after their were no drugs in my life. That is when I really recognized I was using drugs as a ďlife avoid dressing tamper proof shield. So u can imagine how it was with drugs. I now knew why I thank God for letting me get burnt, cause that was farther validation that I was getting tired of drugs being used 2 try and hide myself. I was assassinating my own character everyday. I only allowed certain people do it for me. Only if the price was right. One of them requirements was if u didnít have something between your legs and was willing 2 share; then it had better been in your pocket or wallet. If u came up 2 the plate and expect 2 do it. I would fight 4 my few grams of pride I had left. Then I would avoid encountering u like a virus. Pussy and/or meant u had more then a recruit u had a volunteer for this war.
Today thru 12 and 12 I am no longer showing up 4 bullshit that donít have nothing 2 give me that is worth while shorting up 4. that include what is between legs, walls, and some people ears, nosense. Just 4 today I know what is my self worth and I am utilizing it 2 the fullest. thanks 4 letting me share.