44 Fun Things to Do in a Supermarket
Open up a loaf of bread and make yourself a sandwich. Take it to the checkout lane and see how much they charge you for it. Tell them you added extra mayo.
Go to the customer service desk and ask where the whisk brooms, Vaseline, and duct tape are located.
Spike the fruit salad.
Squeeze the Doritos.
Tell the manager you lost your son, somewhere near the dairy aisle.
Try to purchase one grape. Repeat until the laughter subsides and they feel obligated to start charging you.
Order a dozen live lobsters and set them free throughout the store. (After removing the rubber bands from their claws, of course.)
Fill a shopping cart with watermelons. Get more carts and fill them with other heavy products. See if you can barricade another customer inside one of the aisles. (Try to capture an old lady, they're slower than the rest of us.)
Order ten pounds of corned beef at the deli counter, sliced extra thin. Walk away during the slicing of the final pound, whistling.
Wear a white lab coat, mask, and goggles. Carefully bag some vegetables, holding them at arm's distance, shaking your head in disgust, and occasionally taking notes on a clipboard. Works best while mothers and children are nearby.
Open up some cheese and crackers and offer samples.
Conduct your own Pepsi Challenge.
Bring in your own "paid" stickers and put one on each of the items in your cart. If a cashier tells you that the store doesn't use those stickers, ask her what she's getting at and would she like you to call the police.
Fill a plastic bag with five types of apples, another bag with six types of citrus fruit, another with seven types of leaf vegetables, and so on until you have mixed bags full of every type of fruit and vegetable in the store. Tie each bag in a double knot. Then take them to the register, and let the cashier tell you the grand total before you realize you forgot your wallet.
Empty the bottles of V8 and fill them with green Hawaiian punch. Threaten to call your uncle at the local newspaper about it.
Bring a full shopping cart to the express aisle and refuse to budge.
Bring a single product to the busiest full-service aisle and refuse to budge.
Pay in pennies.
Pay in postage stamps. (Explain that you accidentally grabbed them instead of your food stamps because you were in a hurry to get out of the house before your alcoholic husband got home.)
Leave your cart in the middle of checking out to get something you forgot. Once you start hearing angry shouts from the customers who were standing behind you, wait another few minutes before returning. Laugh and tell them you forgot what you were looking for.
Bring in a moldy loaf of bread and ask for your money back. (Works best if you put it in a new bag with a valid "sell by" date.)
Apply for a job barefoot.
Walk in with a hand truck and several empty boxes. Fill the boxes with jars of tomato sauce, take them to the back of the store, and tell someone you're making a delivery. Get them to sign something.
Reorganize the cereal aisle.
Put your own surprises in the cereal boxes.
Put small pornographic pictures inside the greeting card envelopes. (Everybody likes confetti.)
See if you can move every item in the dairy aisle, a few items at a time, to various locations throughout the store.
Post your own "Buy one, get one free!" signs.
See how many hiding places you can find for a dozen fresh fish heads.
Ask a cashier where the store safe is located.
Rub olive oil all over your groceries. As soon as the cashier expresses a look of disgust, start complaining about how filthy the store is.
Take photos of men putting feminine hygiene products into their carts. Tell them they'll be able to download their photos at spinelesshenpeckedfairies.org.
Hide your arms under your coat and ask a manager if the store is "armless accessible".
Request a personal shopping assistant.
Bring in a bag full of exotic fruits not sold at the store, and try to buy them.
Hide a walkie-talkie behind packages of adult undergarments. From the other end of the aisle, see if this is a product that can sell itself.
Leave small, expensive, easy-to-scan products in other people's carts.
Empty a bottle of aspirin all over the floor and lie down next to it.
Throw things over the aisles. Toilet paper works just as well as it does outside, but don't shy away from hard or sticky objects either.
Ask the cashier if the store could supply you with another bagger who isn't mentally retarded.
Tell the cashier that it's great the store is providing jobs to "you people".
Dump out a container of liquid laundry detergent and report the spill to customer service. Repeat immediately in another aisle.
Ask the woman behind the deli counter to shake her ass while she's cutting your salami.
And finally:
Put pickles in the coffee grinder.
