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Subliminal's blog: "Subliminal Lies"

created on 03/10/2007  |  http://fubar.com/subliminal-lies/b63258

31 Days [part two]

the truth of the matter is, i've hit bottom, to an extent, and i've come to realise there is only one option for fixing it. for alleviating the symptoms... if in, now, 31 days, i don't have a warm body in my arms, or at least a serious prospect, i'm going to begin my great amerikan novel, my swan song. Journal of the Gods. i've been working on it for a couple of years now. well, more like seven, but whatever, semantics. a few years. formulating, plotting, planning, sculpting this novel. i've given it a few whacks, one i made it 200 pages in, a third of the way through. the next, 86... but we won't discuss that one. it was alright, but i'd lost sight of it, the scope, the magnitude and gravity of it. it will be the last thing i write, or at least, the last thing i finish, and it will take the better part of a year or two. it's the way things have to be. it sucks, but that's life. i don't foresee a change. cannot lie. par... most of it's my fault, another part was Ash stripping me of my game, my mad pimp skillz. part of it's just not giving a fuck. and the other is the desire not to fuck myself to death. quite literally. some of us are born to self-destruct. my mother is one. and in that respect, i am my mother's son. so be it. what does it really matter, right? the end is inevitable. ineffable. ineffible. now, don't do getting confused (not that anyone reads my drivel anymore), but i do not want fucking sympathy. i do not want, really, a damn thing. that's one thing people always assume, and subsequently ... well, we know what it does. truth be told, sympathy annoys the living fuck out me, it really does. i'd rather stick my dick in a meat grinder. it's pathetic. i'm not pathetic. i don't want anyone's sympathy. never have, never will. it's why i go to great lengths to be invisible. unnoticed. [but do subsequently bitch about being alone, but whatever - that's irrelevant. i mean generally invisible, to the masses. the herd.] nine inch nails.the collectori pick things up. i am a collector. and things, well things, they tend to accumulate. i have this net. it drags behind me. it picks up feelings. for me to feed upon. there are times, plenty of times. i wish i could let it go. they start breed. and they start to grow inside me. there are times, plenty of times. i wish i could let it go. but they start to make me think. things i don't want to know. i'm trying to fit it all inside. i'm trying to open my mouth wide. i'm trying not to choke and swallow it all, swallow it all, swallow it all, swallow it all. i am the plague. i am the swarm. all your hurt sticks on me. i'm keeping it warm. they will make me stay. they won't let me leave. there are so goddamned many of them, it gets hard to breathe. i'm trying to fit it all inside. i'm trying to open my mouth wide. i'm trying not to choke inside. i am a big boy, and i will swallow it all, swallow it all, swallow it all, swallow it all. every last one. every last one. every last one. every last one. every last one. really, now...i don't know. it's complicated, it's hard for me to explain, to expound upon. what am i? what do i want? who am i? who do i want? i don't know, i really don't. see, the catch is... i'm drowning, see, and i have no one or nothing to really grab onto, to hold onto, to keep my head above the water. and the other night. friday night, i believe, the undertow pulled me down a bit. smashed me against the bottom, and when i surfaced saturday morning... well, i felt beaten. i felt bruised and broken. sore. i could feel the wreckage inside my flesh, the jagged bones wanting to protrude through. my mmind felt jarred loose. but then, i was swept away by something else. the current, but it wasn't pulling me down, but further out to sea. it is kind of the way it is, the way shit lands. i can accept it, i can deal with it. i will deal with it, i have no other option. at least for a couple more years, while i write Journal of the Gods (or whatever it may be called this time around)... the truth is, said current could carry me to shore. maybe it's not carrying me further out to sea. i've been so far gone, for so long, that i've forgotten where land is. maybe this is my saving grace, my saviour. it could very well be, i don't know yet, and i'm not going to bother making assumptions, predictions or plans. i'm just... going to follow my old mantra: Just let go... and see where the fuck it takes me. could be beautiful, could be the seventh level of hell. i don't know, and i'm not going to worry about it. everything happens for a reason, and i shall just go where the current pulls me... but, this isn't arbitrary. not in the least bit... nick cave & the bad seeds.more news from nowherei walk into the corner of my room, see my friends in high places. i don't know which is which or who is who, they've stolen each others faces. janet is there with her high hat and heels, full of bedroom feathers. janet is known to make deadmen grown, in any kind of weather. i crawl over to her, i say, hey baby, i say, hey janet. you are the one, you are the sun, and i'm your dutiful planet. but she ain't down with any of that, 'cause she's heard that shit before. and i say uh huh, oh yeah, you're right, 'cause i see betty x standing by the door with more news from nowhere. and it's getting stranger here. yeah, it's getting stranger every year. more news from nowhere.. oh right now. now betty x is just like betty y, without that fatal chromosome. and her hair is like the wine-dark sea, in which sailors come home. i say hey baby, i say hey betty x, as i lean up close to her throat. this light you're carrying, is like a lamp hanging from a distant boat. it is my light, says betty x, says this light and yours. and so much wind blow through her words, and i went rolling down the hall. for more news from nowhere. uh huh huh. it's stranger here. yeah, it gets stranger every year. more news from nowhere. i turn another corner, i go down a corridor and i see this guy. he must be about 100 foot tall, and he only has one eye. he asks me for my autograph, i write 'nobody' and then. i wrap myself up in my wooly coat, and i blind him with my pen. 'cause someone must stuck something in my drink. everything's getting strange looking. half the people have turned into squealling pigs, the other half are cooking. well let me out of here, i cried, and i went pushing past. and i saw miss polly, singing with some girls. i cried, strut me to the mast, for more news from nowhere. it's getting strange in here. and it gets stranger every year. more news from nowhere. yeah, more news from nowhere. well then a black girl with no clothes on, she danced across the room. we charted the progress of the planets, around that boogie woogie moon. i called her my nubian princess, and i gave her some sweet back bad ass jive. i spent the next seven years between her legs, pining for my wife. but by and by it all went wrong, as i washed up on the shore. she stared down at me from up in the storm, but i sopped her from the floor. for more news from nowhere. and don't it make you feel alone. don't it make you want to get right on home. more news from nowhere. let me hear, now. but here comes selena with two black eyes, she's given herself a transfusion, she's filled herself with panda blood to avoid all the confusion. her say the sun rises and falls with you and various things about love. but a rising violence in me cut all my circuits off. well, selena she starts screaming her cheeks are full of psychotropic leaves. your extinction is merely absolute, and she turned her back on me for. more news from nowhere. and it's getting strange in here. yeah, it gets stranger every year. more news from nowhere. alright. i bump and crash into deanna hanging pretty in the doorframe. all the horrors that have befallen me, well deanna is to blame. every time i see a baby, it makes me feel so all alone. and i wrap my face into her dress, long after she'd gone home. with more news from nowhere. and don't it make you feel alone. yeah, don't it make you want to get right back home. more news from nowhere. and don't it make you feel so sad, don't the blood rush to your feet. to think that everything you do today, tomorrow is obsolete. technology and women, and then little children too. don't it make you feel blue. don't it make you feel blue for, more news from nowhere. with more news from nowhere. don't it make it feel alone. yeah, don't it make you want to get right back home. more news from nowhere. one last time. oh, i gotta see. yeah, i gotta see. goodbye. goodbye. goodbye... what am i doing here? what is this that i'm doing? oh, truth be told, i'm kind of signing my toe tag. in the end. if i end up finishing this. if i end up writing this. why? because i know i'll have nothing left. the novel itself will cut me off from human emotion, it may force me to evolve, beyond that breed known as homosapian... oy. i have to tinkle... brb... i know how this is going to end, if i end up writing it... i'm going to remove myself completely from humanity, in one manner or another. and, that is of course, if i finish it... and if i don't, there won't be a fourth time. third time's a charm, right? yeah, right, and if it doesn't pan out this time, it's done. seven years of work, done. seven years of focusing done. this story, the need to write this story is what's kept me waking up every fucking morning for the past... two, three years. two years ago, i had another plan like this, around this time, as a matter of a fact, then manranda came into my life, and ashley full-force. kept it postponed for then. now, this time? there is no ash, there is no manranda. nothing tangible, no one tangible, no prospect of anyone tangible. well, maybe a tiny prospect, and another thing, but really, no. nothing substantial, nothing concrete, nothing... -shrugs- it's kind of the way the cookie crook crumbles, i suppose. i'm finally coming to terms with things, though. which is good. after crawling into a bottle for a couple of weeks... i'm better. in theory. well, i'm stronger. because while it felt good, while it was comfortable, while it sated my need for warmth, it wasn't the answer, and i'm not my fucking mother. truth be told, if i become my mother, i'm done. gone. dead. i won't let it happen. and i have to keep that in mind. and i have to remember. i have to remember the job i set out on five years ago. i need to remember. i need to emerge fromm these ashes, no pun intended, and rise like the phoenix. i need to evolve. i need to... remember. and not lose sight of this again. i need to grab it by the tail feathers, i need to fucking .... i know what i need to do. what i'm too scared to do. what i'm too piss fucking scared to do. what i've been too scared to do, and that's totally alienate the people i thought i needed. the humans. the virus. with. shoes. i need to do it, finally. i need to remember that i am, already, better than the majority of them. i need to find my strength again. i need to ... in essence ... pull my head right the fuck out of my ass, and ascend. evolve. these people, they're always screaming for revolution, well, fuck the same shit coming back 'round again. it's time to evolve folks, and accept a new understanding. this life is not all we have, this life is not what we should be setting any store by. this life is merely a matter of perspective! PER-SPEC-TIVE! a dream, a nightmare, a motherfucking fantasy. we are not intelligent, we are not enlightened. we are a semi-evolved species that seemed to think it was okay to stop at the opposable thumb and NASCAR. nein! nein! nein! Mann ist etwas überwunden zu werden. Mann ist etwas überwunden zu werden. Mann ist etwas überwunden zu werden. Mann ist etwas überwunden zu werden!!! tool.third eye[live]think for yourself. question authority. throughout human history, as our species has faced, the frightening, terrorising fact that we do not know, who we are or where we're going in this ocean of chaos, it has been the authorities: the political, the religious, the educational authorities, who attempted to comfort us. by giving us, order. rules. regulations. informing. forming in our minds, their view of reality. to think for yourself, you must question authority, and learn how to put yourself. in a state of vulnerable openmindedness, chaotic, confused, vulnerability. to inform yourself. think for yourself, question authority.*** dream - ing of. that face again. it's bright. and blue and shimmering. grinning wide. and comforting me with it's three warm and wild eyes. on. my back. and tumbling. down. that hole. and back again. ris - ing up. and wiping the webs and the dew from my withered eye. a child's rhyme stuck in my head. saying life is but a dream. spent so many years in question. to find i've known this all along. so good to see you. i've missed you so much. so glad it's over. i've missed you so much. came out to watch you play. why are you running away? came out to watch you play. why're you running? shrouding all the ground around me. is this holy crow above me. black as holes within a memory. blue as our new second sun. stick my hand into the shadow. pull the pieces from the sand. try to attempt to reassemble. to see just who i might've been. i do not recognise the vessel. but the eyes seem so familiar. like phosphorescent desert buttons. singing one familiar song. so good to see you. i've missed you so much. i'm so glad it's over. i've missed you so much. came out to watch you play. why're you running away. came out to watch you play. why're you running away? prying open my third eye! so good to see you once again. i thought that you were hiding. you thought that i had run away. chasing the tail of dogma. open my eye open my eye open my eye. so good to see you once again. i thought that you were hiding from me. you thought that i had run away. chasing the trail of smoke and reason. prying open my third eye! tool.pushit[live]we've been, we've been trying something, a little different this tour. we've been looking at, one of our songs, from a different angle, under a different light, so we can kind of hopefully, see it almost for the first time. we'd like to try that for you tonight, is that okay? we're going to need your help, though. we need yourr help, and your permission. so we need you to find, a comfortable space. that's not only comfortable, but vulnerable. we want you to shut your eyes and go there. and we'll meet you on the other side. saw the gap again today. while you were begging me to stay. take care not to make me enter. if i do we both may disappear. if i do we both may disappear. saw the gap again today. while you were begging me to stay. managed to push myself away. and you as well, my dear. and you as well. pushed you away, my dear. pushed you away. pushed you away. pushed you away, my dear. i will choke until i swallow. choke this infant here before me. what are you but my reflection? who am i to judge or strike you down? who am i to judge or strike you - down? but you're pushing. and i'm shoving you. and you're pushing me. and i'm shoving you. rest your trigger on my finger. bang my head upon the fault line. you better take care not to make me enter. if i do we both may disappear. if i do we both may disappear. but you're pushing. and i'm shoving you. and i'm pushing me. and i'm shoving you. you still love me. you still love me. you're pushing it. we're shoving it. you're pushing me. i'm shoving it. you still love me. you still love me. i'm pushing it. we're shoving it. i'm pushing it. you're shoving me. i'm slipping back into. the gap again. i feel alive when you touch me. i feel alive when you're holding me - down. slipping back into. slipping back into. i am somewhere i don't want to be. put me somewhere i don't want to be. push me somewhere i don't want to be. seeing some place i don't want to see. never want to see that place again. saw the gap again today. while you were begging me to stay. managed to push myself away. and you as well, my dear. if when i say i might fade like a sigh if i stay. you minimise my movement anyway. i must pursuade you another way. pushingg and shoving pushing and shoving pushing me. there's no love in fear! staring down the hole again. hands are on my back again. survival is my only friend. terrified of what may come. remember i will always love you. as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. it will end no other way!
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