Dear Clara,
You're angry right now ... very ANGRY!
It's understandable. When the person you love
and trust most in the world betrays you, lies to
you, and cheats on you, the natural response is
to feel angry You have every right to your angry
feelings. I would be angry too.
Perhaps you find yourself blowing up at your
spouse almost every time you see him or her. You
feel like you can't help it. The rage you feel
about being betrayed is too much and you explode
in a fit of hurtful words and actions.
Perhaps you start unloading on your spouse when
he or she does one minor thing that offends you
and the offensive behavior sets you into motion-
berating your spouse, not just for the current
offensive behavior, but for an endless chain of
other misbehaviors that may or may not be
related. I refer to this as "throwing in the
kitchen sink," or "kitchen-sinking" your
partner.
Or maybe your style is to conceal your anger. It
seethes under the surface. You might even do
this so well that you have convinced yourself
you've overcome your anger. But secretly you
know it's still there, bubbling below the
surface waiting to explode like a ticking time
bomb.
These are some of the natural reactions to
feeling betrayed by your spouse.
If your spouse cheated on you, it's a natural
urge for most people to verbally explode,
especially in the very early stages immediately
after you find out about the affair.
This anger can be useful to the injured person,
but there comes a time when expressing your
angry feelings gets to a point of diminishing
returns. It starts creating more problems than
it solves.
Most people know when they have hit this point.
They want to let go of their anger, but they
don't know how. They desperately look for a way
out of the nightmare of rage that never seems to
end.
In my last article, I suggested you think of
acceptance rather than forgiveness as an
alternative way to move toward repairing your
marriage.
However, the problem of unrelenting anger is one
of the single biggest obstacles on your path to
acceptance. I've seen it many times when helping
clients repair their marriage. Learning how to
cope with, manage, and express your feelings so
they effectively help you change your marriage
instead of tearing you apart inside is a major
goal for many of you as you search for ways to
forgive your spouse.
In fact, some of you may not even know the full
extent of why you are really angry. There are
some underlying factors that maintain the cycle
of anger that you may not be aware of. This lack
of awareness can perpetuate the problem.
So in this article I will explain 3 reasons you
may be holding on to your anger, and offer some
tips for expressing your feelings in a more
meaningful way so you can begin to let them go.
Learning the information and the skills in this
article has the potential to help you accept and
eventually "forgive" your spouse so you can move
forward in your relationship rather than feeling
stuck in your angry feelings.
3 Reasons You are Still Angry
There are a lot of reasons you might be holding
on to your emotional pain and anger. The reason
I encounter most is that holding onto the pain
and anger feels like a kind of protection.
The thinking goes:
"If I continue to feel the pain, it will keep me
from being foolish in the future by being duped
or having this happen again."
Another variation on this might be:
"If I maintain my anger, my partner will really
know how much he hurt me and how important this
issue is to me. Consequently, my spouse will be
motivated to take care of my hurt feelings and
not repeat the transgression."
You may be experiencing thoughts and feelings
like this right now.
However, what you might not be aware of is that
there are at least three issues hidden inside
statements like these that reveal the real
reason you are still angry.
They are:
1. You want to show your spouse how hurtful his
or her actions were so you can get the special
treatment you desire from him or her to make you
feel that you can move on from the
transgression.
2. You want your spouse to know how hurtful the
behavior was and continues to be, so he or she
will diligently search his or her behavior for
an understanding of how this happened, accept
full responsibility for it and for the
subsequent pain it caused, and be authentically
remorseful about it.
3. You want to have some assurance that this
will never happen again. This is a big one and
it comes up over and over again. You may feel as
though you have been made to look foolish, and
you never want to feel this way again. Through
the logic of points one and two, you feel that
extending the pain and anger will effect a
change in your spouse.
I see these issues come up over and over again.
They are understandable, and they reflect
important aspects of the healing process.
You've been made to feel like a fool and you
want to make sure that never happens again. You
want some assurance that your spouse understands
the pain he or she caused, is properly
remorseful and apologetic about these actions,
and is monitoring his or her behaviors to make
sure what happened before won't happen again.
And you want some special treatment from your
spouse to help you feel better about your
marriage.
However, anger, particularly continuing anger
will almost never get you what you want.
If you're angry, it's more likely your spouse
will feel attacked and either withdraw, defend
him- or herself, or attack back.
In any case, he or she will likely stop trying
to provide you with the words and actions you
need to feel better about your marriage or will
do so reluctantly, feeling coerced and perhaps
resentful.
It's true that your spouse behaved in a selfish
manner that completely failed to take you and
your feelings into consideration. That's a
character flaw your spouse has to overcome.
If you decide you are going to stay and work out
the relationship with your spouse, then at some
point you have to manage your angry thoughts
before they become angry feelings: You begin to
treat your spouse as your friend and not as your
enemy.
The anger is not protecting you. In fact, your
anger is probably hurting you more than anyone
else.
For one thing there is the additional
psychological stress and pain you feel every day
you continue to carry this anger.
However, anger has more than a psychological
impact. It changes you physically as well. It's
hard on your heart. It alters the way your blood
vessels deposit fat. It can affect the way your
body processes sugar and insulin. It can even
change the biochemistry of your brain.
Anger doesn't serve you. It's not a shield. It's
a weapon- a weapon you use against an enemy, but
in today's world, you are destroying yourself
with it.
You need to let it go. It's killing you.
However, that doesn't mean you should suddenly
pretend everything is rosy in your marriage
again. That isn't realistic either.
You need to express your hurt, or, rather, the
ideas that are driving your anger. You need to
communicate your pain to your spouse if you are
going to move past this terrible trap and
continue down the road to acceptance and
eventually forgiveness.
Communication is the core of your marriage. It's
your method to heal. If you can't communicate,
your marriage may never heal.
When it comes to anger and the hurt that
underlies it, learning how to communicate those
thoughts becomes more important than ever-
especially if your spouse has betrayed you.
In the rest of this article I will give you some
tips on how to do that.
Expressing Your Anger without "Getting" Angry
What follows are some tips on how to express
your thoughts and feelings to your spouse so you
can begin to overcome your sense of betrayal and
move further down the path to acceptance.
This is not a comprehensive treatment of either
communication or anger. For that information you
should refer to my complete program: How to
Forgive and Work through the past (go to:
http://www.howyouforgive.com/?i=576)
Tip #1: Control the Inner Cave Man
Before you even begin talking to or listening to
your spouse you need to control your inner
caveman.
I've discussed this concept in detail in
previous articles. However, I'd like to offer a
reminder here.
The person you are talking to is not your enemy.
You want this person to be your best friend.
I know that may be hard to keep in mind when you
are trying to discuss feelings of anger and
betrayal, but it is critical that you do so.
If you identify your spouse as your enemy, you
will let out your inner caveman. Doing this will
start the cycle of anger all over again and you
will feel the desperate need to win and conquer
rather than heal and repair.
You are not a caveman. You can control this
beast inside you and choose to act differently.
The control is in your thinking-in your
attitude. The thinking and attitude occur before
you have the resultant feelings.
You contain yourself for a reason: It's the best
way to move forward with your marriage. You
choose to change your attitude to one of
friendship and accept your feelings and not act
out in rage so you can heal your marriage.
If you won't do this, if you make excuses about
it being too hard, you are essentially giving in
to your inner caveman and creating
justifications for further unproductive (and
perhaps even destructive) arguments with your
spouse.
I know it isn't always easy. But it's the first
step in getting past your anger.
Tip #2; Use "I" Statements
In order to communicate your feelings to your
spouse effectively, you have to talk in a manner
so your spouse can hear what you are saying.
There are a lot of parts to this process, but
when it comes to communicating anger and
resentment the most important is using "I"
statements.
Instead of saying "you did this" and "you did
that," I recommend you focus on your personal
experience and your feelings.
You might say: I feel crushed, I feel sad, I
feel disappointed, or I feel resentful. You can
then tell your spouse why you feel these things.
But the point is to focus on your experience.
Tell your spouse how you feel, not about what
"he or she did."
I can't tell you exactly what to say, because
each situation and each person is different.
However, I do offer a method for creating good
"I" statements in various parts of my writing. I
refer you to those materials for more
information and ideas.
Tip #3: Manage Your Feelings So You Can Truly
Listen
This one is more for the cheater or the spouse
who did the betraying. However, it does apply to
the injured person as well and it is one of the
most important pieces of the whole communication
process.
You need to learn to manage your feelings so you
can listen to your spouse.
That means identifying him or her as a friend
instead of an enemy as I discussed above.
It also means no defending, no editorializing,
no argumentation.
It means accepting what your spouse is saying as
his or her experience even if you don't agree
with or like what is being said.
It means assuming your spouse is a rational
person with good reasons for thinking or feeling
the way he or she does.
And it means you make an attempt to understand
your spouse's perspective even if it doesn't
match your own.
Give up the idea of someone being "right."
Instead focus on the experience your spouse is
describing.
Allow your spouse to develop his or her thoughts
and feelings in real time. Ask questions. Be
attentive. And don't hold your spouse to
previous statement made in the conversation.
Listen to your spouse. Understand his or her
perspective. Don't stay buried in your own
perceptions.
These tips are only a small part of a larger
step-by-step program for managing angry
feelings, discussing them, and improving your
communication skills overall.
But if you incorporate these tips, by themselves
they can make a dramatic difference in your
marriage.
These are ways you can move beyond your anger
and continue down the path toward acceptance.
Another part of the process is learning how to
"forgive" in an uncertain world. You want to be
sure your spouse will never betray you again,
but you are also aware how uncertain this
prospect is. After all, he or she did it once
before. What's to stop him or her from doing it
again?
In the next article I will discuss this problem
and give you some ideas about how to move toward
forgiveness in this uncertain world we all live
in.
However, if you know anger and forgiveness is a
big problem for you, then I strongly encourage
you to invest in my new program called, How to
Forgive and Work through the past.
I designed this program solely to be a step-by-
step system that will show you how to forgive
your partner, move past your pain and begin to
trust again.
Holding onto anger and pain damages you more
than anyone else. Make a commitment to yourself
to get rid of it. Please go to
http://www.howyouforgive.com/?i=576 for more
information.
In the meantime, let me know how it goes with
you. I'd love to hear about your marriage. Post
a comment to this blog by clicking the comment
on this page:
http://savingyourrelationship.com/blog/3-reasons-you-re-still-angry-and-what-to-do-about-it
As always, I wish you all the best on your road
to a wonderful marriage.
Until next time,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
SurviveAnAffair.com
1121C Military Cutoff Road, #359
Wilmington, NC
28405
US
If you no longer wish to receive communication from us:
http://autocontactor.com/app/r.asp?ID=50852437&ARID=0&D=
To update your contact information:
http://autocontactor.com/app/r.asp?c=1&ID=50852437&D=
