17yearshere's blog: "2014"

I am the broken puppet
abandoned in the attic,
not worth being repaired
for the time and effort exceed
the reward that you would obtain.

Just walk on by as I sit on the floor
with dust matting my hair
and time fading my red dress pink,
I always hated pink in all its many shades
but you wouldn’t remember that now would you?

I cannot feel pain anymore
and I never knew this thing called love,
my reality was only deception and guilt
a creation used to keep me in control,
what did you gain from slowly breaking me?

I thought I had a great family
until reality started to set in,
between my thoughts of suicide
I often consider my early years,
do you regret your many mistakes
or do you still think I should just learn to cope?

The mind of a child is so fragile
like clay it can be molded anyway
and once it has baked with time
it is a fragile thing for it cannot change,
so easy to break and so hard to repair
but you think you are the master sculpture
who does not understand
why everyone want to fix their work.

My mind is not that of your puppet,
empty and hollow,
it is distorted by many years of lies
and twisted in a confusion of broken promises,
but through this maze I still manage to think.

My heart is not that of your Puppet,
for it does actually exist,
I cannot feel love for it’s an emotion I do not know
love to this heart is guilt and need,
it has been blackened by many years of pain
but it still beats and it will keep beating until I’m shattered.

This face is not that of your puppet,
for it does not smile,
my face is twisted,
unable to pull itself into a grin,
tears stain my cheeks 
and my lips are chewed raw and bloody,
but at least I still show emotion,
real emotion and not some guilt trip masquerade.

My mind while distorted functions,
my heart while blackened beats,
my face while twisted shows emotion,
I am not your doll and you cannot control me
on marionette strings anymore mother,
you cannot guilt me anymore,
or take credit for everything I do,
nor can you talk for me for my lips do move,
I am not your puppet no matter how shattered
and you do not need to fix me anymore.

I have realized something that’s setting me free,
I’ve realized that this love I feel for you
is only the result of my twisted mind and blackened heart
and that the only reason I smile is because I don’t want to hurt you
but I can’t dance around to please you anymore.

I am not your puppet anymore
so stop taking credit for everything I achieve.
I am not your puppet anymore
so stop talking for me.
I am not our puppet anymore
and you know what mother?
I don’t need you to set me free.



Next time I see you I’ll fold
because I don’t want to hurt you,
your mind is more fragile than mine,
the pain you can cause me with your words
it is worse than any physical torture could ever be.

I shouldn’t be so selfish,
no, I shouldn’t be so ungrateful,
I didn’t mean to hurt you mother,
I didn’t mean to make you cry,


I am the broken puppet,
abandoned in the attic,
not worth being repaired
for the time and effort exceed
the reward that you would obtain…

your smirk so simple
your laugh so sweet
my arms around you
is what i seek

your tender voice 
your soft words spoken
smothered in love 
is what I'm hoping

when you are gone
your smell lingers on
covering my head
with words you've said

i await your return
in these months I've learned
you'll come home soon
when all that's in the sky is the moon

you hold me close
you keep me safe
you keep me smiling
in your warm embrace