so yes this year has been nothing but crazy for me
at the start of this year i laid in the arms of the man i thought i was gonna merry
i was full of hope to but doubted i would ever get the schocolarship for school yet i tried anyways
i was living in a house with my monther
now the impact of a few chances will change me forever wont they i memeber when i got the new i got my scholoarship
i also memeber when my faincee tossed the ring at me and i gave it back to him told him to ask proper he slipped it in my bag i really should have know better when i found it he asked me proper
had i not mis read this act alot of time and pain could have been avoided i wont forget what it feels like to shortly there after telling all ur friends an family b/c dispite the fact he asked me in the summer and then had the ring for xmas i never told anyone with otu the rin i wanted them to think good things of him ... but yes back to that bad feeling ... of when he told me i didnt mean it that way and had i been paying attenin i would have know he didnt mean to ask me
at the time that made no sence what u get on a knee and ask for 2nd time this tiem with a ring b/c u dont mean it ... yet now a year later i can say the fact he tried ti jsut sneak the ring in my bag and i found it that fact was something i should have known to mean he was giving me the ring not asking me to merry him anymore i get that now but just he same we broke up and made up a week later and kept with this for a good 3 months b4 we broke up for good due to distance and
the biggest amazing in my life i got into film school not only that i had an 8000 dollar scholoarship i was thrilled i was going ... this is y i say we ended but i know the real reaosdn was he didnt mean it anymore ...
off to school now this was a scary yet amazing time
i stuck it out and got 85% proving to my self and the guys i could hold up with them and ther 5-20 years in the biz lol ... i was so proud
enter scean 2 this i call
welcome to penthouse 13
so my dear daddy ass whole that is moves me into hsi penthouse for school he wants me closer
now this is where hell starts ... i just so happen to have this thing called pride and thus having my 1st home be amazing penthouse with a view i want to party i want to showe p[pl and u should always be carful who u let in
this lesson i learned well as i was raped by few guys that weekend ... months of pain and fear and panic attacts still with me but u know what i am heathy i amd clean yay they didnt give me anything i am so lucky ... but not u know this is what ruined my life ,,, i can put it back togehtr mind u i am sure
i learned so much this year jsut what i can handle as i had to take a medical leave this is where dear daddy becomes asswhole ... co,ming down on me for not telling him the day it happend the fact i even said it to him was amazing but no he dosnt see that he sees bad money pissing round in his place bvut not the point
the streath i show here amazes me still i couldnt leave the hosue for weeks i was scard scard of men and i walked back thru those school door dow nteh hall and into a program of all men 24 7 and i stood strong right thru the next 4 month i was so thrilled it was the hardest thing i have done but i faced them every day with my panics and my pain i went to class ... the onl,y thing that held me formn it is my father who pulled the plugs on me
to think this year i have lived in a penthouse and been homeless all in 12 month span now how many can say this lol
but i can my father who was paying for school changed his mind
and with that my school is done i know that sounds like i shouldnt be doin that but with film school its not poissile to work roudn u never have set times to be on set its weather depenant there for not workable at least not enuff ot support my self thru school
and to come home to find ur doors locks nothing feels like that nothing
so then u find me now
homeless for now i will be fine
out of school
disjointed for my dreams
slightly broken
but stil strong
and here i am still being held strong arms hold u when u need them sometimes i guess the world wants to mind me of that
last year u coudlnt have told me any of this would happen i wouldnt belive u i woundnt i would have said i would be merry in colorado lol
i wouldnt beliuve i would see and taste my dreams i wouldnt belive i could be sooo strong and still stnad not be in peaces on the ground i wouldnt think i could do the things i have done
and i wouldnt belive in any of it
but it happened so where wil i be next year i wonder
