to all my great family, friends and fans. I know I disappeared from the charts for awhile, but I am back. First of all, to those very special and wonderful people who kept in touch and kept me going the last 5 months, you have no idea how much you mean to me. Everyone else, I disappeared from the radar so fast and with no warning, you probably thought I abandonded you. Not so, just a whole big pile of personal shit that I went thru, and am still going thru.
what started it all was a heart attack scare in August. Wasn't one, just a severe drop in potassium, but it terrified me. I started making changes in my life, like weight and living for today. Soon after that a very special person came into my world, and rocked it so completely, that I woke up and faced the fact that I am 40 something, and not dead, but was living my life like a very old woman with nothing to life for. He met me at my worst and told me I am a beautiful woman, and made me belive I am special and valuable, but most importantly, worth something. We started dating, and I started making major changes in my appearance and attitude. We broke up after a few weeks, because I can't have more children and being a father is something he wants, (and he'll be damn good at it, too). For the last 14 years, a hatred and bitterness towards my husband has been building, because in spite of what I wanted, I had my tubes tied. I was not ready to stop having kids. Then losing this was the final straw.
Right about this time, my best friends husband wrecked my boyfriends Honda Shadow, and destroyed his knee. They have 3 young kids and she works full time. Since he was unable to care for himself, let alone three kids and 1 in diapers, I started staying with them to help take care of them. By know my husband had found out about my b/f, and I decided that I didn't want to be married anymore. Thats when I got my tat (which he hates)and moved in with my friends. I transferred locations on my job because I was told to transfer, or my b/f was getting fired.
After numerous fights and arguments, I made the decision that I needed to separate. He decided, after 10 years of my trying to get him to go, that we needed marriage counseling. By this time, I had pretty much given up on my marriage. I started thherapy, and while it is helping my in my mind, it is doing nothing to change my feelings about my spouse. The b/f is still in the picture as a friend, and will always be there. Then came the holidays. Everything just seemed to get worse.
At this point, I am looking for my own place to live. If you know country music at all, then you you know the song "She's more Than a Memory" by Garth Brooks. I start living the song. My b/f has had a very hard life and has been abandonded alot. It has been ahrd for him to trust me. Just when I thought I was getting through to him, he gets all stubborn and makes me so frustrated that I (DO NOT try this at home, kiddies)tried to break the seat of a bench with my fist. Didn't work the first time, nor the 4th. I did that on the 30th of December. I spent half of New Years Day in the ER. I broke my hand and knuckles in in several places, so the new year is starting out great.
This ius the condensed version, since my right hand is in a cast, including my thumb. I'll be posting new pictures, soon.
Love and kisses to all. Hope you had great holidays, and may the best of last year be the worst of this one.
