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i sit here thinking about time passing and i know why im having such a haard time right now. its been 20 years since i last told my Da i loved him, and almost 20 years since i put him in the hot desert soil. i can remember the events of that awful day so clearly, every anguishign moment, up until mich got me drunk and i passed out at her house. i was with the kids at the pol in the hot florida sun on the 10th of june 1991, when i told the kids we have to go back to the house right now. i walked in, picked up the pjhone and checked my voice mail. one message from a number i didnt recognize. but the voice i did. My aunt kris, and i knew without even completely hearing the message that i needed to call home immediately why she had called. so i called her back, and when she answered it wasnt what happened, it was what time did he die. and at the time she told me, i had been drinking a toast to him with my friends. she told me a plane ticket was already paid for and what time i had to be at the airport. i called rawn, still calm and told him i needed to get tot he airport, i held it together until i saw him, then i lost it. i cried all the way to the airport. then i got on that little plane and was so terrified i almost broke my hand onthe arm rest. and it was so cold,i was carrying a teddy bear, the kids wanted me to have osmething to hug on the way home. i stepped out from that cold plane that had put snow on my teddy bear into the hot orlando sun, walked across the tarmac to the terminal, as if in a trance, found my way to the gate and waited for the next leg of my journey into hell. i barely remember eating ont hat long flight to dallas, where i had to rush to make my connection to the hot el paso desert that was home.
     i got off the plan in el paso, and started crying again, no one was there to meet me. crying i headed for the bagagge claim area when i saw her. i dropped everything and ran across the lobby crying and yelling screamerm screamer...she snatched me up and swung me around and we both cried. we got my bags, loaded them in her truck and headed to the hospital so she could finish her work, an hour later we were in Dallas with a bud longneck in our hands, there was just an hour til closing, but when everyone heard why i was back, the drinks kept coming, and i got so drunk, i dont remember leaving. i woke up the next monring on Michs couch. After a quick breakfast we loaded my bags back in her truck and she droveme..straight into the mouth of hell.
    As i got out of the truck i saw a staion wagon parked in front of the house and was told if i wanted anything of his to get it out of the car before it went to goodwill. the house had been completly stripped of his presence in less then 24 hours, they had even gotten his hospital bed picked up. the room he ha called home for the last few years was naked, cold, empty excetp for the filing cabinet and his cedar box of letters on the shlef above the door.I walked in the house and before i got 2 feet in i was met with "You are not welcome here. You can stay until after the funeral but then you have to leave. this sint your home anymore and nobody wants you here." Stunned, i just stood there tel mich pusshed past me and went off. slowly i sank onto the couch and hung my head and cried. i asked if i still had time to go to the hospital to say goodbye. my heart was in my throat when mom told me noe, he had alreday been sent to the crematorium. i vaguely remember screaming "NOOOOOOOOO" and then michs arms around me. i dont remember much more fter that, just that night me, robin bart and brett ended up at roses, the bar bobbi worked at. i remember sitting at the bar having a drink when the best thing i had seen since coming back walked right past me. i stood up and called out his name. Beau stopped dead in his tracks turned around looked at me started to ask if he knew me, then a smile lit up his face and he picked me up and hugged me so tight i couldnt breathe. He was there with a friend, but he spent the rest of the night glued to my side. we left together and i dont recall much after that, just lots of love and tears.
    I dont recalll too much of the next couple of days as arrangements were made and i tried to saty out of everyones path while loving on my baby girls as much as possible. Thursday was the memorial service at the church. sam wasnt there, because everyone felt that daddy would have wanted him to complete his hike of the grand canyon. I remember Kriss was there alot, so was fzt Debbie sticking her nose into everything and trying to tell me what to do. I was asked not to sit wit the family at the church so i sat 2 rows back, alone. bobbi was tld to sit in the back because she was in jeans and and a tank top. but my 2 best friend mich and judy were seated with the family. i couldnt help but laugh. earlier that day we had layed the tape with the songs daddy wanted on it, and oddly enough, there was nothing there, so we recorded them again, lisstened to the tape and they were there. when it came time to play the tape at church, the tape was blank again. alot of people stood up and said beautiful things about daddy, and i know i did too, but i cant ell you what i said. i remember kris most of all, saying she had lost the second love of her life,
    The rest of that day was a blur  and we all ended up at roses that night drinking toast after taost to Da. i remember walking inthe house that ight and robin going off on me and I lost it i called her and mom every name in the book and then some.the rest of that week is a blur to me. i remember going to the county clerks office with beaus friend kieth and getting a marriage license. I remember a sunny afternoon sitting outside smoking a cigarette because smoking was allowed int he house anymore. A car pulled up and 2 very handsome young men looking almost like twins got out. it took a second to realize it wasmy brother. he looked so grown up and handsome.he picked meup and hugged me it seemed like forever and the tears started again. i remember getting yelled at for crying infront of my baby girls. I know mom took me shopping for shoes to wear adn clothes because i didnt have anyting white to wear and daddy wanted white and bright.
    Monday morning dawned bright and sunny, it was a june day after all, and bound to be a hot day.we piled into the cars and followed the hears to the cemetary, as once again i wasnt allowed to sit with the family. But to my surprise, i wasnt alone, Beau and Keith showed up in full dress uniform, and with one on each side of me, we stood as the flag was folded. i know i heard Daddy laughing as the newbie had trouble folding the flag. it had been agreed that the flag was presented to my brother. he looked so adult and handsome in his suit and tie, with John standing next tohim still loking like twins.. I held it together through "Amazing Grace" on bagpipes was played. Then came the 21 gun salute. I jumped as the first round of 7 went off, beau and keith each grabbed a hold of me as i lost it with the second volley of 7. Then cam the most haunting sound and to this day i cry when the third volley went off. The silence that followed was broken by kris crying and my tears flowed in silence. Beau and Keith held onto me and walked me back to the car so i could make that onely drive back to what was no longer my home. The rest of the daypassed ina blur and i remember BEau and keith picking me up as everyone somehow ended up bvack at roses. The guys played pool and i sat at teh bar and drank. I remember talking to brett about our siblings. We agreed that we didnt like each otheres siblings, but we put up with them because he loved bart and i loved robin.
     The next few day spassed in a blur as bobbi and i got an aprtment together and keith and i made plans to get married. Then one afternoon he didnt come home and i got a called saying he had gotten married that day to  oneof my friends. Fast forward to August. By this time i had found a job as a bartender in a place called the Texas Bar. I had just broken up with Sparky, with whom i had been dating long distanc for over a year. he was in special forces and first in the war. That night was my first night working alone and the cash register jammed so i was making change out of my size ten painted on white jeans. Mich was there with her boyfriend jeff, but we all called him bubba. they were playing pool. the bar was about half full, the jukebox was playing some loud country, when this man , the first man i had ever seen that mde BDU's look sexy, dirty and covered with desert dust in a sweat soaked tshirt and BDU's aske for a beer. I thought he was cute but not really my type, he wasnt a blue eyed blonde cowboy type, but cute all the same. he was shocked that he had to pa for his beer. i didnt know he kept a tab, i was still learning all of this. He kept hanging around the bar staring at me, and after about 4 beers he looked at me and said "im taking you home with me". Well, i just looked at him, put my hands on my hips and said "Sorry love, but i i don't date whats on that side of the bar." he says i ll make a bet with you, any bet you want hat ill get you home wiht me. HE had been watching bubba and mich playing pool and i said fine. "Heres the deal. You play a game of pool with my friend bubba. If he wins i get you as a slave for 24 hours." He asked what would happen if he won. I said hed ge me as a slave for one night. Well, bubba won the game, and here it is 20 years later and we are still married. He didnt make a very good slave but he was a damned good lover. Fast forward to october. He as more or less living with me and bobbi, who was no longer with don after don damned near beat her to death, bu tthats another story. Bobbi, Toni and i had a bad case of pink eye that scarred our eyes. Stan was leaving for a thirty day tdy run to 29 palms in california. The night before we got him all trimmed and packed. we went to bed early cuz i was off that night. 4 am rolls around and we get up ot get him off to his trip. Guess who had gotten pink eye? Well a week goes bye and Shari calls me at teh bar and asks if I had heard from him. I was puzzled because he couldnt call me. I didnt understand why she would ask me that, so i just shrugged my shoulders and went bak to work.about half anhour later im facing the register when i hear a request for a beer. i stopped dead for a second shook it off and turned around. for about 30 seconds i just stood there staring.....the love of my life ws standing in the bar 3 weeks early. i ran around the bar and jumped on him. He had a patch over his eye. the pink had gotten worse while he was in the field and they sent him to thehospital. the medication the gave him he was apparently allergic to and his eye started bleeding. they kept him in isolation for a couple of days then sent him home. well, the didnt waant him in the barracks, and since he was married (thats another story too), he had off base housing privelges. He lived with his friend Shari, but she had kids and she didnt want him either, so he stayed with me, and more or less, that was when we started living together for good.I dont recall alot of that ime frame, because when i wasnt working in the bar, i was drinking in a bar, usually at dallas with mich or texas with mich and stan.. There was another bar but i cant recall the aname that we partied at too with bobbi and a bunch of other friends. One night i went out by myself. i ended up calling stan to come at get me froma 7-11. i dont remember too much other than him threatening to throw me out the window because i refused to giv him his car keys so he could leave. he left anyway and then shari showed up wanting his things and i told her no. if he wanted his tuff, he had to come and get them himself. I know there was a lot more to the sory but i dont rmember it because i was staying drunk unless i was working. Well we eventually worked things out. Fast forward to Thanksgiving. He came with to thanksgiving at moms, who was now living with Russ in Horizon city in a nice condo and had lots of nice things. November 29, that was the day Russ became Dad. Stan went to the wedding with me, then i had to go to work. Fast forward to middle of december. kris lost the third love of her life when he had a heart attack in the bathroom and fell onto a spot heater. Stan didnt go with me to that service but mich did. It was a joyous party filled with lots of music dancing and drinking, a cajun wake. Fast forward to Christmas. By this time, Stan and i had moved into a one bedroom and wer officially a coupld living together.His parents came out from california the week after Christmas. I dont remember alot of it exept him taking me in the closet cuz he didnt want them to hear us. The day they left, I made a solitary trip downtown. I hadnat had a period since before moms wedding. I went to planned paernt, got the joyous news that i was now in a family wayu. i took the test strip home, left it with a note on the table and went to work. Stan always came home from work and made me dinner and brought it to the bar. that night there was no dinner just a confuse man.
    Well, there was no getting around telling mom, i was already showing. We had quite a predicamewnt on our hands. I didnt want to get married, not that we could because he was still married and she was in Korea. Well he and mom got together and i was basically told, plan a wedding. Mom paid for him to get a divorce and we made wedding plans . He decided we would get married in june, on his birthday so he could remember our anniversary. By this time he hda gotten out of the service, and was working 2 jobs and raking in the money. I was a high risk pregnancy so care was taken that i was never left alone. Thomas psent many a night withme while stan was at work. I was no longer working they decided it wasnt safe for me to keep working in the bar while i was pregnant. The night before we got married mich took me to see male strippers, which would have been a lot more fun if i could have had a drink. But i ended up calling him and crying. I hated that part of being pregnant, i cried alot for stupid things. Everyone made sure we didnt ee eachother until right before the ceremony. Well, I had stayed at michs and as i was driving int he hot june sun towards teh place we were getting married in, i gave serious thoughts to keep on driving. But i didnt. We got married, shoved cake in each others faces then went to the Sundowner club to celebrate. He was totally wasted. he was tipsy already when he said i do, and prcede to get totally bombed at the club. THat was the one and only time i ever got him to dance with me. I spent my wedding night crying myself to sleep because he had passed out. At some point in this time frame he was at the bar and i felt really bad, i had a hard time with my asthma wheni was pregnant. I called him to come home cuz i wanted o go to the ospital. We had a figt on the phone but e fially came home. But instead of going to the hospital, he raped me and sodomized me slamming me into thew front door of ou apartment. He eventually passed out and i fell asleep crying on the couch. Next morning he got up and went to work as if nothing had happened. We moved sometime that summer into a new 2 bedroom apartment. In the middle of august, I tld my doctor tht the baby had stopped moving verymuch. 2 weeks later i told her this again and the did an ultrasound and found his cord was wrapped around his neck. Well finally she decided it was time for him to be born. August 31st she induced labor. in the wee hours of september first they gave me an epidural because i was have trouble breathing and vomiting from the pain. by noon he was in distress and was showing no signs of coming so the gave me anoher epidural in preparation for a c sectiojn. i was crying because i was scared og them cutting me open. well i guess my fear triggered a reaction from him because he decided he was coming. I told mom that i needed to go to teh bathroom so she called a nurse. the nurse yelled, not bathroom delivery room bay is crowning. So they rush me to a delivery room, but i had no feeling from the waist down and couldnt move myself to the delivery bed. the doc is yelling she isnt delivering this baby on a labor bed, stans trying to move me, wills on his way out im crying and screaming, and finally the get me on the delvery bed, and out pops will. Well not only was his cor wrapped around his neck, it had a knot in it as big as a silver dollar and so tight they couldnt untie it. Stan was pissed and almost decked the doc. But he was healthy and fine so no problems 2 days later we say goodbyt to the hospital and will getshis first trip to a bar. hten the bowling alley. i freaked out wehn we walked into to bowlng alley and these people i didnt even know take my baby away from and take him to the nursery.Stan bowled and i sat an watched as he got drunk from a baby bottle full of booze. i end up driving us home and we get settled into a routine. will slept all day while stan was wt work but as soon as daddy was home he was up and raring to go. 2 weeks later i had stopped bleeding and life was grand, condoms sucked but we had to wait 6 weeks so i could get norplants. well we were babysitting toni over night and she had a nightmare, and woke up screaming. i jumped and twisted and felt somethign strange, i started gushing blood. Well we get mom to take toni and will and we run off to the hospital where they leave me sitting in the waiting room in a wheelchair and im embarassed becasue im bleeding all over the floor. Stan says in his best agressive voice"Dont worry about.theyll get someon to clean up the blood. I dont remember too much of that day . they got a hold of my doc on thephone. she told them to give me some mediine and sen me home. well we were at thomasa house working on his car and i kept on bleeding big clots and having to chang pads like every fifteen minutes. 4 hours later, im white and dizyy and passing out so we run back to thehospital where mom meets us and takes will. they get the doctor in and she decides i need a d&c. I have no memory of this at all. I know i was close toneeding a transfusion because i had lost so much blood. Apparently i clotted off and when i jumped and twisted i tore the clot loose. i think i went home that night but im not sure. i know that where stan worked they told im to take the time off to take care of me and the baby cuz i couldnt walk without trying to pass out. During this week, mom yelled at me that i was going to cost stan is job if i didnt let him get back to work. I have no memories of this time, just what people have told me. and apparently stan told my mom to sht the fuck up and either come take care of me like she did bobbi or stay out of our life.backing up a just a little. the middle of august, dad shows up at our apartment alone and tells me mom is on a lane to seattle. at first i thought something was wrong with robin because she was due to have a baby at the same time but theni remembered robin was in california. well turned out Grandpa had passed away. I dont know what it was but with every one of my pregnancies i lost someone i loved. with bev it was my dog, with jamie my great aunt, and now grandpa. well august 17th robin  had molly as we called her then, but her name is meagan maureen.. So back to me. Stans mom came and stayed with us for a couple of weeks. And his cousin had married someone in the army and they got stationed at the same base. She had epilepsy so we watched out for her. Sometime in the middle of all of this i had norplant conrtraceptives put in my arm, and then i had surgery on my sinuses and nose. I started getting very moody and agressive. I couldnt stand to have stan touch and was literally beating him up at night. 6 months later the norplants came out because everytihing i was going through was a side effect of the norplants. That december, stan tore up his wrist at work, he was out on disability and workers comp for a long time. he tried to go back to work but they told him in 6 months they would be putting a steel rod in his wrist if he did, so he opted for retraining. fast forward again. Stans going to college getting paid for going to school and guess what, we end up with another baby on the, and another move. DUring this time, Im havign a very difficult pregnancy. Stan got a migraine headache and i had to take him to the hospital because he was slurring his speech and acting goofy. They had this new mediciine called otradol. Kills the headache with the narcotic side effects. BOy was that great, the headache was gone an dhe was clearheaded. Next day he started complainin his back hurt. over the nest 2 days it got worse and worse. I caled sam to come sit with will cuz stan was going to the hospital if i had to call an ambulance. i ahd to drive sams car because we erein the middle of putting a water pump in my car. well stan cznt stand up straight and can barely walk. they think its appendicitis so they start getting him ready for surgery when a doctor hit him jus above the kidney and stan damn near hit the doctor. his kidneys were shutting dow....allergic reaction to the wonder drug toradol. His parents are already on their way because of the surgery we thought was going to happen. They get in about 10 oclock and the nurses were kind enough to bring stan to the elevators so he could see his mom. That was the second time i almost lost him.so I had his parents in our small 2 bedroom house, with 2 rabbits and me very pregnznt, moody and terrified im about to be a widow at 28. Well they get him better, his parents go home, and guess what we have to move....again. this time we move to Chaparral into a nice 3 bed room trailer. Wel the 12th of septmeber im in the hospital for an asthma attack and the flu. i go home on thenight of the 13th but i start puking in the parkinglot. we decide ill bbe fine and go home. around 6 am the 14th, im puking, and my water breaks....were rushing back to the hospital having mom meet us there to take will. htey get me set up start the iv, get the epidural in and we wait...and we wait....qand we wait....contractions but i m not dialting like i should be, well aabout 7  mom notices that my iv isnt going into my arm, its going into the bed. so we get that fixed and about 3 am erin decides hes ready...he come as along abou 330 on the 15th of september. well stan has decided this is it there aint no more and since it wasnt gonn cost us i was getting cut. so at 9 am im in surgery have my tubes cut ited and burned, no accidents happening this time.
Grandma adn Stans aunt someout to visit for a week or so and life is progressin well. My lawyer for an accident that had happend in 89 finally settles my case, and we go spending money. Hes still going to school and life is good....more or less...during this time he has gone to VA and they start treating him for depression and PTSD from the war, as well as what they laughingly refer to as Gulf War Syndrome....not really a disease, just a whole bunch of symptoms they have no idea what are or why he has them, and they are passed onto the the boys. about this time things start getting rough. bobbihas twins 28 days after erin is born and theyre in the hospital for a little while. comt eh end of october, erin is throwing up everythin he eats, losing weight and just ot doing good. they make me stop breast feeding thinks he was allergic to the antibiotics i was taking. so im giving him his dose of tylenol when i have to puke. i come back and fin will has swallowed almost 3/4 of a brand new bottle....ok freak out time...panic time....stans driving for dominoes....moms in horizon city and i have to ge will to the hosital and do something with erin. so i rush to bobbies house, drop erin off with kim and haul ass to the hospital. they have to pump his stomach, but wont let me be with him while they do it, but they let mom go in and hold him. stan comes flying and and pissed cuz they wont let him in either. Finally they put will in a room and stan decides i need to go home and feed erin so hell stay with will. i head for home, get some sleep and meet mom at the the hospital and she takes erin for the night so i can send stan home to get some sleep. the next day they let him come. then the next thing you know im back in the emergency room because erin is still throwing up everything we give him, so he is admitted, and mom has will, and stans at work, im sleeping at teh hospital. they finally figure out erins allergic to milk get him on a soy formula and he starts getting better, but then tehy notice a peculiar thing, hes a preemie. he was born about 6 weeks early which was part of the problem. he just isnt right so now were going to neurologists and all kinds of sppecialists and they tell me is called floppy bay syndrome, a side effect of his being premature and we could expect him to have problems later in life. fortunately the only problem he has is a tremble in his hands.. In the midst of all of this weve had his cousin have a baby, Aunt kris committed suicide my Aunt rieta died from brain cancer, and stan reacts badlt to the prozac getting vilent and moody. Hes also drinking alot and his mom tells me to leave him.
    fast forward a couple of yearswere spending alot of time at bobbis house taking care of the twins and toni because bobbis coking out with her friends adn we dont want the kids getting neglected. one night, Beau, Tom, Thomas, Julie and Bobbi took stan out drinking. i stay with all the kids. they get back and beaus too drunk to drive so they aaask me to drive him home. on the way he asks if i wanna go have fun with him....and boy i was tempted cause that man knows how to please a woman....but nooo, ive got my man waiting at home for....but if i had known what i was going to find when i got back there, i wouldnt have thought twice....i walk back in the house and its quiet so i figure theyre in her room playing on the computer.... i open her door and thyre in there alright, but theyre in here bed...i slowly close the door walk in the living room lay down on the floor and cry myself to sleep....we move back into el paso into a tiny 2 bedroom aprtment. i ndont tell any one of what happened but i get my revenge a couple of months later with someone whos name i shallleave out. but silly me gets the guilts and tells stan about it and why....bout tis time fathers day stans burthday rolls around....were at moms house and she knows theres trouble...so she offers to pay for us to move to california so he can be closer to his family and maybe things would be better
    If i had known 13 years ago what i know now, i never would have taken her up on that offer

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