(((Up until the point where I say its a couple days later, I had written an off-liner. This one is really long because of that. I'll be doing some frequent shorter posting the next few days or so because I have more to tell from what was going on while I was off-line)))
I've been sitting here off-line for nearly 2 months now. Man has it been hell!
BORED is my constant state of mind. I've not once had the urge to to write until this entry. I struggle to keep my hopes up, my fears down and my depression away.
FRUSTATED is my constant emotional state. Lemme tell ya, its not fun. I've worried a couple people slightly a couple times with my extreme lowness. But in general I'm standing on my tootsies still *wink*.
I've been doing good in other ways *big grin* (for the first time in stating this news)...
In the month of Sept '07 I lost 21 pounds.
With little effort.
My success???
I was taking Meridia (15 mgs), a diet pill that didn't give me any kinds of wacky side effects and cut my hunger down without me even realizing it.
I have also completely cut out all power drinks (usually on a work day I would drink 2 to 4 big cans a day). I also have cut my Pepsi/Mountain Dew drinking down to nearly nothing (down from an average a 2 liter a day just at work, and then what I would drink outside of work. Bad days could put me at 4 power drinks and up to 4 liters of soda). Its a bitch to get this fat body moving at the same pace as someone that is less then half of my weight. Work, bah!
I've been doing some serious thinking the last few days. I intend to have this surgery and get to a good weight (my goal is 180 to 200 lbs, hey I'm 5' 11" and very curvy, as in even when I was thin I had big boobs and wide hips. Stick thin I have no desire to be.) Then I'm gonna have the skin removal surgery and thennnnnn......
I'm gonna drive myself nuts changing my life BIG TIME! I no longer intend to stick the rest of my life stuck in Pennsylvania. I intend to travel and find a place that feels comfy to call my 2nd home. I hate PA anymore but it will always be my home.
I can't really decide what I would like to do though. I need to get serious because I intend to reach these goals by the time I'm 40 (2 3/4's years). Maybe a travel agent, as
in starting my own travel agency. Or a long haul truck driver, as trucking as interested me for years. Ever since the time my uncle took me on a short drive when I was a rug rat. But then I may change my mind again eventually.
Who knows. But Travel agency is more on my mind because of being able to travel the world. I love to talk to people from all over the world and learn tid bits about other cultures. It would be so much more fun to meet people in purrson and chatter face to face, not just monitor to monitor.
Ok its now a few days later and I'm back online. I had a most awesome 11-01-07 and at least for the last 2 days (its now 11-3), I feel so much more different then I have in a long time. For the first time in ever basically (since I got fat mainly), I know I can actually look pretty AND feel it!!!!! I NEVER truely feel pretty. Never truely feel I'm worth wasting the time it takes to put on make up and do my hair etc. I havn't done that on a regular basis since I was with my ex of the mid 90's.
I've lost enough weight many people are noticing now. The "hump" in my back of my neck is way smaller and the arm flab as well from what I can see myself. Others say they can see it in my face (my dimples apparently are deepening or something). Logically I know I have lost due to I can now where a pair of pants I've had that would not go up over my thighs this past spring! Now I can wear them and actually sit (still a tad bit tight but I can wear them). I was told
they look cute on me too :).
Its so weird how I feel right now. I just hope I don't go over board and wind up disappointing myself again. But the picture section with the girls the other night really has me wanting to do things different.
It makes me more and more curious as to how I'm going to feel and think after the actual surgery. How drastic is it going to make me? I already intend to travel and do thing but part of me holds those hopes back.
Its quite interesting the changes that have been going on too even before the weight loss. I can walk the steps better (going up, down I still have problems at times due to the arthritis in my knees so I gotta go slow). I can do more housework without stopping to rest sooo much and my pain level is not as bad even though I'm not on any medicines (still haven't gotten paid from the temp disability place and its been 7 weeks, so I can't afford my Rx's at all :( ). I have stopped sleeping most of the day/night.
So weird! What's it gonna be like after surgery? I can't wait to find out even though I know I am going to be going through hell too lol.
More to be written later as this one is so long since I haven't been able to/didn't post shortly before my forced absence from the net. I'm also going to begin working on
making a website for these entries and each month is going to have a different theme as well as show monthly updated pictures of me :)
More to be written later.
