They whisper that I must have those regrets, the concern are threats with poison dipped bayonets, when the real wonder needed to worry there sat only silhouettes. While looking at what has been done or not they claim the hardship I forgot, with punctuation I explain what the misery brought. When mother cared less of any I found a way to rub together two of what I call an invisible penny. The starvation brought quivers that scarred the squirrels, while she still refused referrals to sell the pearls. Yet on I marched with a empty stomach and heavy heart, it taught me that love doesn't come unconditionally at births start. Wiser beyond the time and younger than the cost, willing to lose the lost to regain the strength if I already weren't in pure exhaust. So the lessons approached without the teaching, sex came despite my mother dragging me to thy fathers preaching, I heard speaking but didn't feel it reaching. quarrels over damnation but wasn't it she who lead me into evil, escape the unholy to provide this now wicked beast a meal. My recollection is of the house being empty of appliances such as an oven or stove, to cook the helper often not was hamburger but an abundance of mold, Recalling why our family never drove, perhaps blamed on the budget kept for hoarding jewelry as gold. other fetishes not quite sever came as many, often bought be by penny. The GraceLand of purses but never shoes, unsure why maybe the money made her choose. The less of not is that I know the result 20 dollars she gets to buy grandma's booze, they each have their afflictions in which make their family loose, they also see that statement from different points of views, This form of suffering can make a kid confused, while I starved she never shed out a single bruise, yet her madness of words I could not diffuse, in her pursuit of parenting she accuses and claims to have paid her dues, when even a tool box short of some screws, could defend the statement 'as children we were misused.' Needing to address the next conundrum ,how living away from home at 14 became accustomed. There were several variations in how the happening became, my mother made a claim that to the burden there was no way for her to tame, grandmother said it was a ploy or a game, for I the chance of life to be reclaimed, and to you I'm sure it's all the same. On the Contrary Cherry Mary the covenant houses had real kitchens, I was free from all religions, far enough from mitchell street and it's pigeons. The right minded too would choose the path in which were for a runner, The stay away began just in the 2007 summer. Ignorant to the duration of time away would have been sustained, they ask if I knew then possibilities would I refrain, answers fill them with depletion attained, moving out gave so much to be gained, and sure this period is where the illegal activity was charted for I to be detained, can you not see the experience this instance contained, at least to others I begged to share or explain, despite at the time all there was but a shell of me as what remained. The drinking the joking the smoking the fighting including the choking, in the end it was food for thought provoking. In charge of a house with 50 more at large, predictions of the accumulating charge. In the rural time present day was attended in a cyber place, to the others who frequent in attendance they called such thing Myspace, conversations soon had with an unrecognizable face, acquaintances meeting for that dangerous embrace, airing out personal discrepancies with a friend they would soon erase, invisible lunatics stalking without ever leaving a trace, mocking what was known as living yet the nerve to call it grace, the intellectual knowing to turn the orange online bubble off was now a race, and instead of actual flowers in a vase the cyber gifts replaced. That was the world that I and the friend of the moment knew, for the most part I withdrew, I'm not sure If I can say the same for you. And again they would ask was there regret for that time, and no matter how mediocre or sublime I will not regret a moment that was mine. The day approached with a new suitors arrival, passing hours displayed disbelief in my upcoming survival, I should have bolted when I saw his eyes turn primal, taking a breath for it may be my final. Somehow that consequence of time had me glued for additional abuse, gathered my heart and brain to call a truce, their battle for neglect they did not have to induce, his account of horrors were no excuse, drinking was no reason for the informalities on my body he produced. Not yet 16 but smoking from said stress, only wishing that the nicotine would help suppress, I was his only outlet to express, I wasn't to adore I was to posses, die unless I allow him to obsess. Woman beating.. his one true success. This partner pushed a petrifying picture for need of fatherhood, I was to bare him a child he made understood, I got birth control as any sane woman would, and hid it as I feared I should, Taking it in only his absent moments if I could. But just sure as taxes and death come, so did his birth control-rampage-run, and down the porcelain bowl the little round pills spun, Making sure life at conception begun, before I knew it he won. Twice had the unwanted miracle curse came, twice both stripped from my body for he is to blame, even during pregnancy from beating he could not refrain. The living seemed unremorseful for me and the dead had not knew, so I thought who cared if I blew my brains into fondue. Sought the acknowledgement of who would think twice, pro's on con's weighed heavily but not on the side to suffice, continuing past patterns I displayed on my arm with a knife, I looked down this time and decided to really yank the fucker as I sliced, looking at all that I sacrificed, no one was around the blood enticed, and that was my worth, I had been priced. Recalling the tragic events are foggy also from the beer, But I remember him coming to me near, and the one thing that remains clear as I fainted was his sneer. So the solace sky sisters and brothers fly down for another try, do you rue the day you could have died, long for more effort you applied? Oh just the opposite I decide condescending tone implied. Are you not falling ill to defeat with this baratteing of questions, knowing that I now only have positive intentions? Consecutively after all this commotion I sought a partner of devotion, Even though I found a savior or I was chosen. What was before me was masked, I wasn't afraid of what laid behind such as his past, yet never would his forecast show to harass. Slowly as the world turns personalities he had revealed, no reason to wonder why keep as concealed, the broad span of variety stretched lengths of a football field. Late notice for the blue lines already crossed over a year and nine months ago, what can I say his revealing had come slow, My disapproval sent his arms on me to throw, now weighing love to restraining order ratio. Decisions made for my sons security, savouring his purity, to protect him from his father obscurity.
The battle inched on with profanities, slurring my name despite realities. All the demonized threats, even god placed his bets, so they ask Is it time for those regrets? Rather frankly no I feel blessed, now I always have my child to hold close to my chest. Many falter under heavy direction, it's time to move on and accept lack of perfection, while entering no one's subjection. So on my path less traveled I found a rarity, the two of us different yet such a similarity, as if I had found my clarity. Merging families only seemed natural as love blossomed, yet the bystanders cautioned. Fearful for the past repeating, my mind however felt like defeating the compelling urge of retreating. Why not start a new because what else can I fathom, work already demands blood and tears and I said they could have 'em. Yet just as the family of four became complete, pain thrashed me to my feet, doctors claiming work had to take a back seat, Yet for months I said nothing about it sure call me a cheat, but there is no lesser feeling than to be obsolete, to the other women how can I can compete? I went from one of the elite, to me and the scapula must meet. Knowledge made my lover fall pale in this moment, I could almost feel him growing into my opponent, for he would be the houses key component. Man of the house and breadwinner are two different things, instantly fused them together by pulling strings. Long that would not be the conclusion, So they were SOL because of ultimately a back infusion, other theories involve him not working in the conclusion, yet if its not your life then it could be a delusion. Games all to important before love and children, I would have made that bet an placed a million, better yet make it a billion, he was playing every game where he was anything from a civilian to a reptilian, and thinking back lets make that bet a trillion. And this was information gathered that amounted more than apprehension, Feeling to talk to him I must join a convention, seldom was he present in this dimension, and for him to listen please don't mention. Fearful is not your right, despite he's claiming your love is cruel like a mexican parasite, how do you clutch the person who has made you misplace your appetite, that was the relationship that when it was fight or flight, it was time to roll over and say good night. Silent tears or shattered admiring, To continue this way was a taste that needed acquiring, so instead the relationship required some firing. It ended the only way we knew how, a fight while skipping the wedding or reciting a single vow. One of many rings in which to be disowned, many asked yet I never truly before known, this was the only man I let my love be shown. Two sons had become brothers while the clock hands went around, yet now we had to leave with out sound. Better or worse never came while always present, drown the feelings with prescribed antidepressant. So here comes the question do I wish I could be an adolescent, and cease taking any suppressant. Whoever hear me now and forever, this pain is mine to endeavor, there's no escape no matter if you be one so clever, so no matter the pressure I will always want to look back on this as a refresher. I could comment on my current predicament but never one to jump the gun, I mean hell it may be hard to believe but I'm only 21. Momentum made these moments minus me, Even though I wouldn't go back I wouldn't rush now guarantee. To live a whole life time before you're 30, yet you still don't feel sturdy.