Mr Showerhead's blog: "10 things... DAMN YOU JUICY"

Today, I started a new job as a cab driver

Today, I also quit my new job as a cab driver.

My first fare was downtown, a nun. She gets in, and she catches me looking at her thru the rear view mirror. She asks me what Im staring at, and I tell her not to worry about it, and besides, I didnt want to offend her. The nun tells me not to worry, in her line of work she hears ALL sorts of fucked up things. So I tell her I always had a fantasy about making out with a nun. The nun stayed quite for a moment and said "I'll do it on two conditions, you have to be single, and christian" So I said "Im christian and single, lets do this!"

So, we did, briefly, and shortly after I started to feel guilty and started to cry about it. The nun asked me what was wrong, and I said "I lied, Im married and Jewish" and the nun said "Oh dont worry about it, Im on my way to a costume party, My name is Kevin"

Sonovabitch

The ex and I got into it shortly before we broke up. We were screaming and yelling at each other, and she said something that caught me off guard. She told me I was a lousy lay. So naturally I was all :0!!! about it. She stormed out of our place and about 30mins later, there was a knock. It was her sister, they had made plans to go out. She asked if she was there and I told her no. She asked what was wrong and I told her we were arguing. She asked if I was okay, I told her Id get over it.

Her sister and I started talking, she was trying to cheer me up. Well, one thing lead to another and me and her sister ended up in the bedroom. We were fooling around and it went further. About 20mins into it, my ex came home and into the bedroom, and of course had to be a cockblock about the whole thing. She kicks open the door and has a fit and asks "What the fuck do you think youre doing?!?"

To which I smiled and replied "Getting a second opinion"

So I just walked in the door, JUST walked in, and my girlfriend is crying about the snow needing to be shoveled. I simply said to her "Its 6degrees out, Ive been out there for the last 3hrs, lemme warm up a bit first." Not two minutes go by, and she's back up asking when im going out to shovel the snow. I stated that the snow had been out there since this morning without no one shoveling it, it can wait just a lil longer. She gets all huffy about it, and says shes gonna do it herself. I thought to myself, "Good, you'd just find something to complain about the way Im doing it anyways"

A few minutes go by and I hear the wind blow past the house, I figured Id go check to see the kind of progress shes making, so I throw on my hoodie and step out side, ONLY to see my neighbor coming towards my place. The woman is a busy body AND a P.I.B. in general. I hear her yelling at me before she even gets to the house, she makes her way up the stairs and continues "Do you realize how cold it is out here? What kind of man do you think you are? YOU should be out there shoveling, not her. You should be hung!"

To which I said "I am, why do you think she's the one shoveling?"

Wednesday, I helped my mom get rid of some of my dad's clothes. (Pants, jackets, coats, etc) I kept a few of his old work shirts, a hoodie, and some vest thingie. His pants we just threw away, they werent gonna fit me cuz Ive lost some weight and my other brothers are bigger than me, bigger than my dad was too. I was kinda surprised my mom was ready to get rid of the stuff. Their anniversary is coming up, it would have been 39yrs. We found old pictures, talked about stuff. Stuff we remember, stuff we miss, random stuff.

Last night I had a dream about him that kinda bothered me when I woke up. Im almost positive the dream was caused by going through his stuff on Wednesday. He had walked in to the house with his beard (all he had was a mustache when we buried him) and in the dream I knew he was dead. My mom dyed his beard to the color it was back in the early 90s. And then started to take pictures of him. She said she dyed his beard so if anyone saw the pictures they wouldnt think they were recent. For some reason there was a black kitten in the house. My dad wanted me to take a picture with him and I told him no, I couldnt do it. The last picture I have with me and my dad was from last New Years Eve, about two weeks before we found out he was sick. He kept pushing and pushing for me to take a picture with him, and I just kept refusing, and finally I told him to just go away already. His feet bursted into flames and I woke up.

Im not really into dream interpretation, but does anyone have any ideas what any of that means?

My buddy has been trying, since November, to set me up with some chick. Someone I am NOT interested in. And what gets me is, he KNOWS the type of women I prefer, and this girl doesn't even come close to it. I've told him I wasn't interested and he says "just give her a chance" I've used the excuse "I just got done with someone and I don't wanna be bothered right now" but he just says not to waste any time and get back in the saddle again. (I'm SURE she would be just THRILLED to know he's comparing her to a horse with that statement :p) I've tried being nice about it, I've tried being blunt about it, I've flat out told him I'm not attracted to her, and never will be. But its just falling on deaf ears. I don't understand why he is so adamant about hooking us up, but it got old about 7months ago and he's not taking the hint. Is there anyway to get stubborn people to listen?

I remember this one time, I was out fishing with my Grandpa, I had to be about 5 or 6. And he cracks open a can of beer, so I ask him "Hey Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" And he looks at me and says, "I dont know, Vince, can your penis reach your asshole?" OBVIOUSLY creeped out, I say no. He says "Sorry, but your not big enough yet"

So a few minutes go by and my gramps lights up a cigar, and I say "Hey Gramps, I know you have to be younger to smoke than to drink, so can I try your cigar?" and again, my gramp says "I dont know, Vince, can your penis reach your asshole?" Again, creeped out I say no! He says, "Sorry, but youre not big enough yet"

So a few MORE minutes go by, and I bust out a bag of Oreos and start eating them, and my gramps says "Now Vince, I KNOW youre gonna share those with me, right?" And I look at him and say "I dont know, Gramps, can your penis reach your asshole?" And he says "Of course it can, Im a big boy" So I say "Well, then you can go fuck yourself, these cookies are mine!"

So, Im sitting at home, drinking alone, which is something I always told myself I would never do, but, whatever, all my friends are either too far away, or I dont feel like drinking with them, and I think I need a few tonight.

Well, Im drinking these Smirnoff Blueberry & lemonades and to be honest... they are REALLY good, at least the first four were, now theyre starting to taste like sweat socks smell (looks to make sure its not my feet)

Has anyone had anything that tasted really good at first, and by the end youre just fucking sick of it? (kinda like pancakes)

Ok, First let me start off by saying that if youre going in to a bar, please realize its a place of business, and not your front porch, or basement, or garage... or wherever the hell you hang out with friends and drink.

And since youre in a place of business, act like it. Youre also supposed to be an adult, again... act like it. Dont get pissed at the server because YOU are too fucking stupid to know what you are asking for.

Just to clear a few things up...

Blue label is a SCOTCH, not a vodka

same goes for black label.

Blue, is a brand of wine... again, not a vodka.

Dont ask for blue top, cuz guess what? 90% of bottles HAVE blue tops

Dont ask for "Bumpy gin" because in a loud crowded bar, we hear "Bombay gin" which is a better gin, and will cost you more.

Seagrams is a BRAND NAME, not a drink itself. The provide vodka, tequila, rum, whiskey, canadian whiskey, gin, and Brandies, so asking a bartender for a shot of seagrams is like going to a Blockbuster and asking for a horror movie... dumb it down a bit, we're not mind readers.

Cognac comes in many different grades. VS, VSOP, XO, Napoleon, Vintage, and there is a few others. Dont get an attitude because, again, YOU are too stupid to clearify what it is you want.

Asking for a shot of Remy and not getting the VSOP is no ones fault but your own. Its like going to Burger King and ordering a coke, and getting an attitude because you want a diet cherry.

When paying, ante up BEFORE getting to the bar itself, we're a business and waiting for you and the three idiots you are with to figure out who owes what while we have the register tied up while others are waiting to order drinks not only pisses us off, but the other people in the bar as well. Besides, it shouldnt take 4grown adults chipping in for a round at once. If you plan on paying for your own, ORDER by yourself, and not as a group. Ordering as a big group and paying solo pisses us off, piss us off and we will make you wait longer for your next drink

Also, realize there is about 3feet of bar between you and me, and chances are I also have a cooler in front of me that is another two feet away from you, totaling 5feet of space between the two of us. YOU laying your money at the very end of YOUR side of the bar does nothing more than piss us off because WE have to stretch ALL the way over to pick the money off the bar, instead of YOU having manners and actually HANDING us the money. Whats funny though is you dont seem to have any problems reaching your hand out to get your change. Piss us off, and we will make you wait longer for your next drink

Have some what of an idea what you want to drink when you come in... Changing your drink up is fine, but dont stand there for 3mins asking "whats in this drink, whats in that drink?" when we have a full bar, it pisses us off. Piss us off and we will make you wait longer for you drink next time... are you starting to see a patern here?

And FFS... think for yourself when you are drinking... Ordering a drink because its in some song doesnt make you look cool. We all hate you when you do that. Its funny you never even looked at wine before but now all you want to drink is mascato...

Complaining about prices pisses us off. We charge what the owner TELLS us to charge. Telling us the bar down the street is cheaper will only have us telling you to drink down the street. Would you like it if we told you our last customer wasnt a cheap ass and didnt cry about our prices? Didnt think so. We know what the bar down the street charges, we also know the clientele that goes INTO that bar, which is another reason our prices are higher... to keep that kind of trash out of OUR bar.

And to remind you, YET AGAIN, you are in a place of business. That means we are there to make money, not give our supplies away. Asking for free drinks pisses us off. And what happens when you piss us off?

Seriously, so what if you spent $20, YOU chose to go out, you want to drink cheap, buy a case and drink at home. Do you go to the supermarket and say, "Im spending $20, gimme a free candy bar?"

And lastly, you are not the only people in the bar, others are there... to have a good time. There is NO reason I, or anyone else that is more the 15ft away from you should hear your conversation. Especially when we are on the OTHER side of the bar, STFU or lower your voice, or leave. Again, this is a place of business, not your front porch, you want to act loud and ignorant stay home because it only pisses us off...