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10 Reasons Why I Am Better Than Jesus
[[By: MsWednesdayGrotesque]]
Some might call this blasphemy and tell me I am going to Hell. Well, I am better than them too. They pray and bow down and worship a dead guy. You could paint your whole body green and eat the toenail clippings of a virgin goat while bowing down to a rock and get about the same effect. The latter is generally considered stupid, which is why I'm glad to be part of a society that prays to a dead carpenter, has our religious leaders wear huge ass hats, ride around in Pope-Mobiles, and fondle small children.
Reason 1: I exist. Disproving my existence is a big task, not one I'd suggest you take on. Some historians say Jesus existed. Past tense is the key here.
Reason 2: I write most of my thoughts down. Jesus wrote...nothing. He had this supposedly awesome message that the whole world needed for salvation and guess what, he commits nothing to written form. Kinda self-nullifying. All he had was someone else write for him. Sounds like a Bill Clinton book to me.
Reason 3: I never destroyed someone's hard-raised farm animals. Jesus on the other hand killed an entire village worth of poor little piggies just so send some demons away. I'm sorry but that's not justified. Maybe send them to Hell, give them a construction job or something, but when you wipe out an entire villages food supply that's just being a dick.
Reason 4: I don't constantly live in my father's shadow. Jesus and his father are so close they're basically the same person, especially if you swallow up that christian bullshit. I get along with my father just fine, but that kind of father-son relationship is unhealthy, not to mention immoral by christian standards. He worships his father. Honestly, did he ever hear of individuality? Jesus lived with his dad for all eternity and after 34 years couldn't take being away from him and had to move back in. Sometimes the bird just has to leave the nest here people.
Reason 5: I understand my mother is not a virgin. I mean nobody likes to think of their parents fucking each other's brains out, but I'm not in denial here. It is quite a disgusting thought to me, but you shouldn't hate the truth so much you cover it up with lies. Jesus really needed to face facts that Mary was fucking, and fucking outside of marriage.
Reason 6: I don't honestly care what you say or do. Jesus said all people should follow the laws of Leviticus. Now, this just sounds a little harsh to me, but Leviticus states that anyone wearing a cotton/polyester blend t shirt needs to be stoned. And we aren't talking the good kind of stoned now are we.
Reason 7: While my sexual orientation has been questioned on humorous ocassions, it is quite obvious that I am straight. But Jesus on the other hand, eh...well nobody knows there. It was said he never had sex with a woman. It was very strange for a Jewish man of thirty to be unmarried. Now when you take into account he only hung around men (12 actually) who also swore off women, wore each other's clothes and did everything together, well let's just say there's not much left up to the imagination.
Reason 8: I don't let greedy televangelists speak for me. If I want to call you on the phone, chances are I'll just do it myself. I mean come on, I'm not much of a hard worker but that's just laziness here people. PIck up the damn phone dude.
Reason 9: I basically try to make the world a better place. When I have some spare money, I give it to some charity. Jesus is supposed to be omnipotent and yet for the cause he hasn't done shit. Perhaps he's just too busy answering your prayers to make your favorite team win a game against their biggest rival in a pointless football game to get around to helping Timmy not die from AIDS. Again with the laziness.
Reason 10: I'm smarter. Besides the fact I don't have to resort to a manual labor job for a steady income, I mean that's a given, I sure as hell am not gonna get myself killed over something stupid like sin. I mean, being all-powerful and all, he could have just said "all your sins are forgiven" and be done with it. But no, he had to go and get himself killed over it. I understand fighting for your cause but that's just ridiculous.
