October 26, 2006, 03:47:pm
I'm in a bit of a "driving myself nuts and not sure what to do anymore" quandry. My emotions have decided to take a roller coaster ride continuously the last few weeks. One day I'm fine, the next I'm crabby, cranky and just plain miserble.
I'm going totally insane with not being able to fully quit smoking. In fact I've gone UP instead of lowering more *sighs. Went from a pack lasting almost a week to lasting only 3 maybe 4 days.
I've begun sleeping long hours again. Like I used to. Not every day though. But in the last 2 weeks there has been 3 maybe 4 days where I have almost literally slept 24 hours. I know some of the answers to that.
Privacy. Alone time. Its the only time I have peace and quiet. Its the only way I can feel as if I have any time to myself. Its driving me bonkers. There are so many people around all the time. I don't even bother closing my door half the time anymore because it will just be opened within an hour or so of me coming to play on my computer. Well not always but its pretty often and feels like all the time.
I adore the people I live with and those that visit, don't get me wrong. The kids (older teens but I still call them kids) are all respectful and don't get out of hand. Its just there are sooooo many of them. All the time. Day. Night. All hours of the day. Sue's kids are quite popular to say the least! It is not uncommon to have 4 to 5 girls and 5 or 6 guys here weekends. 2 or 3 each weekdays. Its cool though in the sense that all the friends know this house is a safe haven and they need that. I do even enjoy them at times. But theres soooooo many lol. Its hard on me because I'm actually a very private purrson.
Privacy ugg. Another thing that wears on my nerves is the one girl is soooo nosey! I can't stand it! She won't stop either. She's been told by several people that I know of, including myself more then once, that she is too nosey and needs to stop and she won't! I have to bite my lips at times to keep from going off on her. She's a sweet girl but her nosey ways make it so I don't want to be around her.
I think it all boils down to feeling totally overwhelmed with the things needing to be done before I can have the surgery. Worrying about what will be going on after the surgery and all the things that have been going on non surgery related.
Being on lay off more often then not isn't helping. I know as soon as they get the new product up and running I'm going to go from no work to working all the time.
Also the holidays are getting closer. Yet another season of not being able to celebrate pagan style. Another season of wishing I could just once do a pagan ritual, no matter the fact I don't know how to do one. To just once be able to rejoice in being Brigit and Bastets follower. Its been accepted that I'm pagan but how can I get anyone but Sue to understand what having even just 1 day to decorate and celebrate different from what they believe.
So many little things, that seperatly would be a breeze to deal with. But grouped all together, its getting to be too much. If it weren't for Sue and my online friends, I don't know what I'd do.
And deep down, a couple other things that have been bothering me is: 1 its the time of anniversarys of both my mom and my dads deaths.
2 yet another holiday season comes along and I'm still without a mate. I know I'm foolish for wanting one. I can't help it. I'm tired of being alone. I want to find my life mate. I already know and accept my alpha soul mate will not be with me this life, have known for several years now actually. Why can't I have a life mate while I'm still young enough to do a family? Time is slipping by faster and faster and it won't be long until I am too old for a family. Then it will be a case of I'm even too old to be anyone's mate.
And as I sit here with tears forming, I feel overwhelmed with the sudden knowledge that deep down I do not feel like a complete, whole woman. I feel as if I am a thing, not a who. Not a woman who. A thing.
More to be written later.