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MONDAY'S JOKES
Downtown
A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.
He asks her to ''go downtown'' so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice ''Well, just what are you doing?"
She said ''I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money!
******************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKE
Farmer Sutra
A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and said to her, ''Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?''
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, ''Oh yeah? Prove it.''
He frowns for a moment, and then replied, ''O.K.'' He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, ''Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell."
******************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
Picking-up women in a night club ...
Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, ''Surely you can't be ready for more already?"
Sharon replies, ''No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine.''
******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
Paddy and Colleen
Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out ''Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!''
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, ''Did you get these marks having sex?''
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, ''I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKE
A beautiful Flower
A man is giving his teenage son "the talk". After describing the more technical details of conception, he goes into describing the beauty of the female form. "And the best part," he says, "is like a beautiful flower. Before having sex, it has an intoxicating scent, soft beautiful folds, and overflowing with sweet nectar." He finishes with a wink.
"Ok" says the son, ''but you said that's before having sex. What's it like after?"
The dad replies, "Ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
A woman's revenge .. the drink ..
A girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy around, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.
She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.
Instructions: ''OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."
He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.
First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth. Then he takes the lime juice.
T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the color of fresh lime juice.
T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach and swallows the gunge.
T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear....
"It's called Blowjob revenge"
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Greek vs. Irishman ..
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'
******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
Prettiest Girl
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay,'' he says, ''how about a blow job?'' ''Yuck!'' she screams. ''I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, ''Well, then, how about a hand job?'' ''I've never done that,'' she says. ''What do I have to do?"
"Well,'' he answers, ''remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?'' She nods. ''Well, it's just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!'' she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!!"
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Sex Sandals
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed a small shoe shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, ''Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, '' have some special sandals I tink you be interested in... Dey make you wild at de sex."
The wife got really interested, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the shopkeeper, ''How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, ''Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on."
So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican started to scream out frantically ''You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon, you got dem on da wrong feet! ''
