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MONDAY'S JOKE
Top 10 Reasons Why A Dog Is Better Than A Woman
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.
******************************************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKE
The Top 10 Reasons Why It Sucks To Be A Dick
10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason:
1. Every time you get excited, you throw up.
******************************************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
HOT OLD COUPLE ON A FENCE
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." "Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake." "Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers. There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, 'I've got to see this...two old-timers going at it against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.' So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed! He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?" "No, there's no secret," the old man says, "fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric. ******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
Gator Bite
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.
The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKE
Sexy Lincoln
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
Beer Brothers
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."
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Karate Chop
A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."
The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, "When he wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."-------------------------------------------------------------------- ******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
A Man Is a Person Who...
A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Nevermind, I'll do it myself." - lets her. * A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Nevermind, I'll do it myself, and he lets her - gets mad. * A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Nevermind, I'll do it myself." - lets her and she gets mad - says, "Now what are you mad about?" * A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Nevermind, I'll do it myself, and he lets her - gets mad., and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" - and she says, "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."
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Jets Fan
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."
The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips."
The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"
The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."
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Top 10 Reasons Why Trick Or Treating Is Better Than Sex
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because damnit... you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still be enjoying candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
And the number one reason: 1) You can do the whole neighborhood
