Icarus's blog: "Augurs, Martyrs, and Agnostics"

So I gave Kuon 20 minutes before throwing my controller and slandering survival horror as a whole.

It was more like 2 hours, and it was more...

limited saves, no continue/retry is a DATED game feature, and it wasn't fun BEFORE we figured out everyone hated it. I died a few times, I had to go all the way back to the title screen to load ALL the way back to my last save all so I could get horribly mutiraped by some level one monster around a corner. Yes, I could've used 1 of my 50 spells to defend myself, as opposed to my tiny innefective dagger, but I only get so many spells per game, there's no aim feature in this game and there's no guarantee of a 1 shot kill... so I might as well run and still get mutiraped right?

Because RUNNING in this game lowers your health (and there's no health bar to see this adverse effect) and could make you have a seizure if you encounter a murder site (which are everywhere in this game) or get anywhere near a ghost (which will mutirape you faster than a standard demon). So don't run. Even to save your life or get through a REALLY tedious spot in the game.

So I loaded Metroid Prime 3 and muttered a few prayers of "please be better than 2"

So far so bad.

I was immediately turned off by all the talking, scanning (Metroid prime for whatever reason has you go into a non-combat visor to scan objects to get a bio on them, everything from lore, devices, living creatures, flora, fauna, enemies, anamolies, to ... widgets and door knobs... yeah, I was SICK of it in 1, got more of it in 2, and ... 3 seems to have followed the

more is more

trend)

and worst of all the "motion control"

Not only do I have to pull my wii mote back, turn my wrist, and push the wii mote in to...

open a door?

but I have to move a cursor to the edge of the screen to turn (turning is pretty god damn important in a FPS) my lock on function no longer works- it just ... highlights a target for me to tap dance around, and the button arrangement is... more than confusing.

I have 2 floating hands controlling too many functions at too many points and I regularly forgot where my morph ball button and visor buttons were.

Regularly.

Turns out they were on seperate hands.

So... I'm moving with one thumb

locking on/scanning with the pointer of that hand

using a hideously insisted upon wonder woman lasso with a lockon queue AND awkward fling in a specified ranged sweet spot

or morphing on my left hand

and I'm

selecting weapons

firing an alternate weapon

getting an objective reminder/hint screen

accessing a map/inventory/logbook

shooting

jumping

and looking/turning with an entire hand

on my right hand

...

...

...

Now

I consider myself a fucking ace.

Coordinated, accurate, and with a great reaction time.

This was kerclunked as fuck

and I really just wanted to plug in my Gamecube controller.

I might do the next best thing though- since I don't have the option

and that is to just play Metroid Prime 1 again.

Yeah, and don't say I'm just some grumpy kermudgeon that hates new technology

no

My arm was tired from meandering and waving after just an hour

and half of that meandering and waving was to get my fucking cursor to read after losing it after

morphing

going to a new screen

pausing

reading dialogue

mid combat switching targets/strafing faster than my wiimote could track

scanning

switching out of scan and firing

...yeah.

I think I hate this.

It also doesn't help that fucking ICEMAN just swooped down and deus ex machinaed my ass out of some moderate trouble in a firefight.

He seriously swooped in on his lil ice-slide thing fired a couple ice bullets, turned, declared himself jesus, and up up and awayed

I had heard that Samus' writing had become more and more and more damsel in distressy (this is a chick that has blown up planets without ANY help) with Metroid Other M, I wasn't expecting it in Prime, but... there I was, swooped in and rescued by some broad chested guffawing stereotype.

I'm not impressed.

I'm not terribly interested in resuming play of this game.

There is NO crying in baseball

and there is NO fucking TALKING in Metroid.

Motherfuckers...