destroy's blog: "†нέ΅ƒяąģιſέ΅яσċĸ"

Alone
and forcing myself
into a process
of living without

Cry
will myself to hurt
just enough to ache inside
so much that i'm dying

Hesitate
just for a moment
and you'll see
everything you forgot
to love about me

Entertain
the thought of love
without perfection
without borders or rules

---[hesitate][again]

Forget
everything
that i
loved about you

Open
your eyes and face
reality to
wake up from this dream

Remember
that it once
was beautiful

---[hesitate][just][for][me]

Make
myself forget how
everything i know
is wrapped around you

Eventual
loss of everything
is unavoidable

---[just][hesitate]

hey there, pretty one
smile with your chemical lips
pour your bile into me
so that i might be toxic like you

hey there gorgeous
you look like the cover of a magazine
with your pages displayed for everyone to see
for everyone to rip and tear and destroy

why do you look sad
dont they want you?
your heart is filling with pain, isnt it?
the one person who mattered stopped wanting you--you never loved yourself

there's no reason to live
but not enough reasons to die
so just smile your chemical smile
and pray its contagious

you've left a bad taste in my mouth
like these cigarettes i've refused to stop smoking
this filter is turning into my lungs
my lungs are black
and so is this space you've left in my chest
i do not want this
i do not want this taste in my mouth anymore
i light up another just to let you in
doubting you has left me questioning myself
please just give me a reason to give you up
this smoke stings my eyes
like the oceans of tears we've created
so swim, swim before you drown
cuz i'm going under, i'm going under
i'm holding my lung(my sweet cigarette) just above the water line
i can barely breathe but i'm okay
i'm getting kind of weak, so i drop my lung
my cigarette is gone; it has fizzled out
now just you remain somewhere in the deep
you; my only vice

i hear someone telling me to open my eyes
so i do and suddenly i'm towing over everything
i look to my reflection and all that i know of me has blurred
i squint my eyes to look into myself and i'm small; tiny even
i've faded away and i'm fuzzy like TV static
the steady thump of my heart hypnotizes me
but i'm still here even though everything i see has become strangely opaque
so i lose all sense of time and sink into the floor
i try to reach out my arms but i cant move
so i open my mouth to scream but no sound comes
i am stuck in a place with no windows or doors and no ceilings or floors
just this emptiness that suspends me in black and white
i feel no wind, i feel nothing on my skin
but i'm feeling smothered by this and tears well up in my eyes
i'm so afraid of myself because this void is my mind
with an occasional glimpse of myself looking distorted
in the bottom of a bottle surrounded by memories that are slipping away
and i'm stuck here

and there is nothing to comfort this pain of breathing

my hands are in my pockets
((where do i put my hands when you're not around))
my fingers play with the salt that lingers
from these tears i've cried

i shed my clothes
and perhaps its an attempt
to rid you from my thoughts
((which is incredibly impossible))

i scrub my skin
i wash the stains
((this pain))
this residue of you

my skin turns raw
as my heart plugs the drain
maybe the aching will fill up this tub and i'll drown
((i'm ankle deep))

you run so deep within me
i dont think i could scrub away my insides
((there'd be nothing left))

the echoes of the voices that sent me back here are fading again
and everything formless suddenly has shape
the lines and seams ripple like liquid
and i can hear the colors of this aching inside

and i'm right here...
...losing strength
its pushing in...
...pushing down
but i'm still here...

this pain is nothing but a gust of wind
but it blew this house down (((it blew this house away)))
and the reflection of myself that i once knew is dissolving
along with anything and everything that i ever thought i felt or could feel

time becomes so abstract and irrelevant inside my head
that hours could be days (((minutes could be years)))
it all flows through me (((it flew past me--i watched it go)))
i swear i could be see-through

this hour, this minute tells nothing
it only reminds me of all the things i've tried so hard to forget
(((i've packed it away in a box)))
and the walls are wearing thin

and i'm right here...
...losing strength 
and its pushing in...
...pushing down
but i'm still here...

all this effort just makes me feel like i'm falling
i'm falling in
falling down
but i'm still here
losing strength (((losing faith)))

push it all in
push it all down
watch it evaporate
i think i'm see-through
but i'm still here

Back and forth, I sway with the wind 
Resolution slips away again 
Right through my fingers, back into my heart 
Where it's out of reach and it's in the dark 
Sometimes I think I'm blind 
Or I may be just paralyzed 
Because the plot thickens every day 
And the pieces of my puzzle keep crumblin' away 
But I know, there's a picture beneath 
Indecision clouds my vision 
No one listens... 
Because I'm somewhere in between 
My love and my agony 
You see, I'm somewhere in between 
My life is falling to pieces 
Somebody put me together 
Layin' face down on the ground 
My fingers in my ears to block the sound 
My eyes shut tight to avoid the sight 
Anticipating the end, losing the will to fight 
Droplets of "yes" and "no" 
In an ocean of "maybe" 
From the bottom, it looks like a steep incline 
From the top, another downhill slope of mine 
But I know, the equilibrium's there 
Indecision clouds my vision 
No one listens 
Because I'm somewhere in between 
My love and my agony 
You see, I'm somewhere in between 
My life is falling to pieces 
Somebody put me together

...............kinda feel like this song was made just for me... goo Faith No More (y) 

because i'm some where in between my love...and my agony (bh)

so much silence on the line static echoes in my head quiet like white noise its defeaning and i cant think so many ways to hide away i want to feel numb, now so i can shut me out like water roaring down a mountain side i have to scream so i can hear myself i dont want to hear these thoughts that creep in when i'm asleep i dont want to wake up