so if you know me from myspace then you know when i get all messed up in my head i blog,, cause it's kinda like a couseling session to me. i can't keep a diary because i can't write fast enough to suit myself. everything that has been going on in my head lately has been really fucked up. i miss Joe so bad.and every day it just keeps getting worse. i mean he was my life, completely and totally. and i lve with my friends,, but i keep geting this drift like i am not wanted here. i talk to people online, and i try ery hard to make connections with them, but i can't do that with people that are around me. i have even begun to push davey ( a bestest since childhood) away. and in turn, because he doesn't undertand why i refuse to talk to him, he has pushed me away as well. and i only make connections with those online that i know i will have a slim to none chance of ever meeting face to face, for the simple reason that if i flirt with them, it doesn't make me feel as guilty for doin it and Joe not being here. and then of course the second that their is even a possiability that i will meet the person i push them way as far as i can. And then there are people that i want to get closer too because they seem o awsome,, like i could really be around tem and be ok, but then all this shit runs through my head and i feel like such an idiot because i seem like a drama queen. wich in some ways i am. i even yelled at brandi the other night, and it wasn't fair for me to do that because i know that she was drunk and she didn't mean to bring up joe. i know that. hell i understood that at the time, but she just kept going, being drunk as she was, and it just made me so upset that i yelled at her to just fucking stop. not her fault that i can't even take someone saying his name to me if i didn't bring it up. i can't call his parents because i feel like shit for not going to see them. and i know that they want me around because i remind them so much of him. i mean it was completely nuts how alike we truly were. i loved him more than i have ever loved anything in this world. and when i do things that make me feel guilty, things that shouldn't make me feel that way, i cry myself to sleep. and can i tell anyone this? can i let my self truly cry? hell no. i wait until everyoneis asleep and press his pillow as tight as i can against my face and just drown in it. and if i hear someone move or shift weight in there sleep, i hold my breath until i think i will pass out. but still i can't tell them. and everyday i just get more and more depressed over this shit i call my life. and i thought it was supose to be getting better, but it isn't, i just hide it better. i put on a nice little smile and laugh like there is no tomarrow and then i cry because all i want is to put myself and those around me out of my fucking misery. and because i can't do that i end up on a computer telling a hundred people that i don't know what is going on because i can't fce my fucking friends. i eel like they are tired of hearing it. so i don't deserve to talk. i guess that just makes me al the more fucked up..... but what's a girl to do? except press the fucking pillow over her face and keep on screaming.
